


flames in the ocean

by intertwiningsouls



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Banter, Domestic Fluff, First Meetings, Flirting, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Social Media, Texting, adam has a kitten?, dad!ronan, opal has so many uncles in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2018-12-10 03:19:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11682930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intertwiningsouls/pseuds/intertwiningsouls
Summary: An ex-girlfriend turned best friend and an adopted daughter with an expanding vocabulary decide to be nosy little shits at precisely the same time. Ronan and Adam meet on Instagram.





	1. Chapter 1

 

The sound of Blue’s voice close to Adam’s ear startled him back into reality. “Sorry, what?” he asked, having completely missed what she had just said.

Blue's face settled into a mischievous smile. “I asked what you were smiling at.” She leaned over his shoulder to get a better look at his phone. “Or should I say who?”

Adam pulled his hands to his chest in an effort to shield his phone from Blue’s prying fingers, but she was too quick for him. She sprinted away with it firmly in her grasp and settled onto the couch across the room to investigate.

Adam let out an exasperated sigh. “I was just looking through the explore page, I don’t know why you’re getting all worked up.”

Blue raised an eyebrow at him from across the room. “Um, because you were doing your pining face?” She held up a hand to silence him, and looked back at the screen with a smirk, “Don’t even try to deny it; he’s totally hot.” She went back to scrolling, and every couple of seconds her thumb double tapped the screen. As soon as Adam realized what she was doing, he launched himself across the room to save the dignity of his account before it was too late. After a few seconds of breathless laughter and wrestling, he pried his phone out of her hands and inspected it for damage.

 

**unguibus_et_rostro**

_67 weeks ago_

A little red heart.

 

“Blue,” Adam began slowly, catching his breath, “Did you just go back and like his first picture?”

Blue smiled up at him sweetly and nodded. “And a whole bunch before that. I also followed him and sent him a little note for you.”

“What the hell?” Adam’s voice escalated to an embarrassing pitch. “Why would you do that?”

Blue shrugged, “You’re welcome.”

Adam said, “I didn’t ask you to stalk random strangers on Instagram for me.”

Blue grinned. “You didn’t have to; that’s what friends are for.” She punched his shoulder playfully. “Besides, it’ll be so much easier to be your best friend when I’m not the last person you dated for longer than a month.”

Adam rolled his eyes. They had been over this a hundred times, with Blue trying to set him up, always claiming things like _you need to get laid_ , or _you work too much,_ or _try this cool new thing called having fun!_

Her matchmaking attempts never failed to end in disaster, and Adam had eventually learned to ignore her whenever she started trying to set him up with someone new. He just wasn't cut out for dating.

“I don’t even know him, Blue. I’m undoing all of this now, and you’re not allowed to touch my phone from here on out.” Adam stepped out of Blue’s reach and focused on scrolling up to the top of the handsome stranger’s page to find the unfollow button. He scrolled past several of the photos Blue had liked, and part of him couldn’t fault her for hitting the heart button so many times.

There was a photo of a peaceful looking field, lush green grass blanketed in a hazy white fog, the dark forest in the background dotted with tiny gold flecks of fireflies. It was so undeniably beautiful that Adam couldn’t bring himself to unlike it. Next, there was a silhouette of a man standing next to a lake that reflected the pinks and blues of a vibrant sunset. Adam’s thumb hovered for a moment, but he couldn’t bring himself to remove the heart from that photo either.

Most of the photos were dark, bits and pieces of scenes that felt both peaceful and mysterious, and Adam couldn’t deny the intrigue he felt as he looked through the small gallery. It went beyond the initial spark of intrigue that had brought him here in the first place when a picture of a man in a lake had grabbed his attention from the explore page.

Looking at that photo again, he couldn’t believe Blue had missed it in her rampage. The man was looking at the camera with a relaxed expression, but his piercing blue eyes made Adam feel something else entirely. Beads of water dripped from the man’s face and neck, and a soaked black shirt clung to his shoulders before disappearing into the murky water of the lake.

Adam chewed absently on his lower lip as his gaze lingered on the photo. Without thinking, he tapped it twice and a little red heart appeared over the man’s face.

Blue gasped dramatically, “Did you just do what I think you did?”

Adam looked up in surprise and hastily pocketed his phone, willing his face to assume a neutral expression. “Jesus, he’s a complete stranger on the internet, just let it go.”

“I will not,” Blue said with a little grunt. “You like him. You think he’s hot.”

“Let it _go,_ Blue.”

__________

 

Opal crashed into the kitchen waving something in her hands, breaking the peaceful early morning silence with as much grace as a baby goat. Ronan ignored her in favor of pouring coffee beans into the grinder on the counter, desperately needing to get caffeine in his system before he could deal with the young girl’s endless morning energy.

“Morning, Dad,” the blonde whirlwind exclaimed, barreling into him and wrapping her skinny arms around his waist as she nuzzled her head aggressively into his side for her version of a hug.

Ronan released the grinder and used his free hand to rough up her already-rough morning hair. “Morning, little bastard.”

She pinched his side and chastised him, “Language.”

He returned the pinch and grumbled, “Fuck off. Let me make my coffee.”

She looked up at him with a wide, charming smile she must have learned from someone else, and begged, “Make me some too?”

Ronan let out a sigh and relented without bothering to put up a fight. “Get a mug. Half milk,” he insisted, “we don’t need you getting addicted to this shit.”

Opal released him with an exaggerated sigh and turned to retrieve a mug from the cupboard beside them. “You mean addicted like you are?” She tilted her head and shot him a judgemental look.

Ronan hid the grin that threatened to cross his face. “What have I told you? Follow Uncle Dick’s example, not mine. No coffee addictions and no swearing.” He jabbed a finger in her direction for added parental effect.

Opal only laughed brightly and added, “Let me guess, no talking to pretty strangers on the internet, either?”

In the past, Opal had made a habit of frequently spouting utter nonsense that confused the ever-loving shit out of Ronan, but their communication had been improving lately, ever since she had entered her preteen years and taken up an interest in reading. After the past year of living with an increasingly vocal and articulate Opal, Ronan found himself surprised to have absolutely no fucking idea what she was talking about now, and he kindly let her know as much.

She shrugged. “That’s what I was trying to tell you before you told me to ‘ _hmph_ off,’” she accused. She casually retrieved his phone from her back pocket and offered it to him. “What does ‘alluring’ mean? Adam thinks your photos are alluring. He’s cute. I hope it means something good because I told him thanks!”

“What are you talking about? Who the fuck is Adam?” Ronan’s brow furrowed in confusion and he reached for his phone. “Also, why do you have my phone? Get your own.”

Opal stuck out her tongue. “I would if you’d let me.”

Ronan mimicked her halfheartedly and then waved her off with a dismissive gesture before opening his Instagram app. He had one new message and twenty new notifications. He tapped the higher number first, curiosity getting the best of him.

 

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** liked your post._

_**adamparrishawake** started following you._

 

Coffee forgotten, Ronan tapped on the man’s profile. The word _alluring_ stuck in his head as he was greeted by a photo of a handsome man with warm eyes and an easy smile. Ronan couldn’t help but notice that in nearly every photo, the man - Adam, apparently - looked like he had just heard the greatest joke in the world, or like he knew something embarrassing about you and was trying to remind you of it using only his eyes.

Ronan stopped at a photo of Adam wearing an expensive looking suit, staring off into the distance with a relaxed grin on his face, adjusting the sleeve of his suit jacket with long, slender fingers. Before he could think, Ronan tapped the heart.

Opal craned her neck to see what Ronan was looking at, and her voice startled him out of his trance. “See, I told you he was cute!”

Ronan took a step back and held his phone above his head, out of Opal’s reach. “This is why you’re not allowed to have a phone,” he grumbled. He shooed her away with one hand and then casually mentioned, “If you want any coffee you better pour yours before I drink it all.”

Opal happily turned away from him to mix her drink, and Ronan was reminded of how much he loved her ability to be easily distracted. Without her spying on him this time, Ronan went back to his phone and opened his messages.

 

_**adamparrishawake** : nice page! you have a good eye. your photos are very alluring..._

_**adamparrishawake** : ;)_

 

Ronan’s eyes widened at the use of the winking face and widened further in horror when he saw his own reply from the hands of his meddling daughter.

 

_**unguibus_et_rostro** : thanks! your photos are very cute. :)_

_**adamparrishawake** : Thank you..._

 

Before Ronan could react, Adam’s name appeared and it said that he was typing. Ronan panicked and exited out of the conversation, only to reopen it a moment later when another notification popped up.   

 

_**adamparrishawake** : ...but I’m afraid there’s been a mistake. My friend got ahold of my phone and went a little crazy on your page. Sorry._

 

Ronan felt a wave of relief and disappointment course through him. He tried to focus on the relief as he typed out his reply.

 

_**unguibus_et_rostro** : ok well just so u know that was my creepy daughter replying to your message_

_**adamparrishawake** : Okay… sure._

_**unguibus_et_rostro:** come on man, do i look like the kind of person to say shit like “very cute :)”??_

_**adamparrishawake** : Actually, kind of? I’d believe it before I’d believe you’re old enough to have a daughter who can spell._

_**unguibus_et_rostro** : nice to meet u too, do u always go around judging books by their covers, fancy suit man?_

_**adamparrishawake** : Oh, so that was you who liked my photo? :)_

_**unguibus_et_rostro** : i don’t know what ur talking about. and have u ever heard of adoption?_

_**adamparrishawake** : Wait, they let you adopt a child? I’m officially intrigued._  
  
_**unguibus_et_rostro** : would u say you’re feeling… allured?_

_**adamparrishawake** : Shut up. :| Forget I asked._

__________

 

“Why does no one believe that I have a daughter?” Ronan asked Opal as they climbed the stairs that evening to go to bed. He intended it as a rhetorical question, but she didn't care.

“Uncle Dick says it's because you have an attitude problem,” Opal giggled. Before Ronan could reply, she added, “Uncle Noah says it's because you don't wear boat shoes.” She broke out into a full laugh, “Everybody thinks Uncle Dick is a dad.”

“If you ever catch me wearing boat shoes, it’s time to call Grandma’s nursing home and send me away,” Ronan said sweetly, knowing Opal would catch the sarcasm in his words. She rolled her eyes at him as she opened her bedroom door, and then she paused. “Hey, when you go meet Uncle Dick tomorrow, are you going past the library?”

“Maybe,” Ronan scratched the back of his neck, “why?”

“Can you find a book for me?” Opal was using her most endearing smile again, and Ronan made a mental note to talk to Noah about his negative influence on his daughter. The white blonde hair was enough similarity on its own, but when Opal used her sweet faces to try to get Ronan to cave, she looked more like Noah’s daughter than his. It was impossible to stay irritated with either one of them for very long, and that fact alone was incredibly frustrating.

“Doesn’t Noah usually take you? He’s still coming to pick you up tomorrow, isn’t he?”

“He is, but he’s bringing his nephew, remember? We’re going to the skate park and he’s going to teach us!”

Ronan had no idea if he was going to be anywhere near the public library tomorrow, but for Opal, he would gladly make a special trip. He handed over his phone so she could make a note of the book title she wanted, and when she was finished she smiled her thanks and disappeared behind her bedroom door, slamming it shut. Ronan could hear her clomp across the floor and throw herself into her bed, and he couldn’t help but laugh. Every time he felt the urge to tell her to stop slamming doors or _quiet down, please_ he flashed back to his younger days when he had shared an apartment with Richard “Dick” Gansey and his friend had said those words to him daily.

“Goodnight,” he said through the closed door, sarcasm and fondness mixing in his voice. There was no reply. He rolled his eyes.

 

 

That night as he lay in bed, he found himself reaching for his phone and opening Instagram once more. He hesitated for a moment before accepting that he was willingly creeping into pathetic territory here. He typed Adam’s name into the search bar and opened his profile.

A new photo greeted him. It showed Adam lying on the floor, holding a tiny white kitten on his chest. His face was lit up in the brightest smile Ronan had ever seen. A moment too late, Ronan realized he was smiling, too. _Shit._

In the privacy of his pitch black bedroom, Ronan sucked in a breath and decided that he might as well be completely pathetic since he never did anything else halfway. He opened the short conversation from that morning and quickly typed out a message before locking his phone and throwing it to the end of his bed.

 

_**unguibus_et_rostro** : ok so maybe you’re cute_

 

The knowledge that his phone was on silent gnawed at him in the quiet, dark room. His curiosity got the best of him within minutes, and he sat up to retrieve his phone. Sure enough, there was a new message waiting for him.

 

 _ **adamparrishawake** : :)_  
_Am I “very cute :)”?_

 _ **unguibus_et_rostro** : greedy fucker_  
_just say thank you_

 _ **adamparrishawake** : Thank you. :) Asshole._  
_Can I ask your name?_

_**unguibus_et_rostro** : my friends call me asshole but you can call me ronan_

_**adamparrishawake** : You must have a lot of friends._

_**unguibus_et_rostro** : wow and you seemed so nice in your pictures. i take it back ur not cute anymore_

_**adamparrishawake** : It’s nice to meet you, Ronan._  
_Goodnight. :)_

 _ **unguibus_et_rostro** : eh i’d say it back but the jury’s still out on that one_  
_goodnight_

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Saturday mornings with Opal were some of Ronan’s favorite times. This was a special brand of happiness: coming in from his early morning chores to find his bleary-eyed daughter setting out all of the ingredients for homemade pancakes. One look at her tangled blonde hair that stuck out in every direction and her rumpled pajamas that hung crooked on her tiny frame and Ronan knew she had jumped out of bed and come straight to the kitchen without even stopping in the bathroom. Ronan smiled to himself in the doorway, taking a moment to feel the overwhelming fondness that surged in his chest at the knowledge that Opal looked forward to these mornings just as much as he did.

Ronan wiped the smile off his face and walked over to the counter where she had laid out all of the ingredients. Opal looked at him expectantly as he inspected her work.

He sighed. “You forgot one.”

Opal visibly deflated beside him, until she looked at the ingredients again and shot him a confused look, one eyebrow arched high. “No, I didn’t?” She hastily recited their favorite pancake recipe, pointing to each ingredient as she went.

Ronan silently reached up to open a cupboard door and pulled out a bag of mini-chocolate chips. He tossed it onto the counter with a smirk. Opal’s face lit up with excitement, but just as quickly turned dark again as she turned to point a finger at him. “That’s not fair,” she accused, “You always say no to chocolate chip pancakes, so I _did_ have it right!”

Ronan relented with a hearty laugh. “You’re getting pretty good, brat. I’m impressed. Now get to work, I’m starving,” he teased, grabbing a dish towel and flipping it at the side of her head. She yelled and grabbed at the towel, her face a perfect picture of fake annoyance with the promise of giggles about to break through. Ronan saw his opportunity and took it, pulling a crazy face and sticking out his tongue.

The sound of Opal’s laughter filled the kitchen.

It physically hurt Ronan to know that he would never be able to fully express just how much he loved her. Standing in the kitchen he had built with his own two hands, he thought back to Saturday mornings in his childhood kitchen years ago; the sunlight streaming in, Matthew’s giggles, his mother’s steady hand helping him sift the flour.

When Ronan built this house he had tried his best to recreate all of the things that had made his childhood home feel like magic. The bay window in the living room, the pillars of the front porch, the sections of flat roof made just for sneaking out of your bedroom window to stargaze. He had gotten everything right, but in the beginning, this house had carried the same haunting emptiness that had stained his childhood home.

Until Opal.

Warmth had entered this space in the unexpected form of this child before him. Chocolate chips were a shitty thank you, but they made her smile and that was something.

Ronan and Opal fell into a quiet rhythm as the morning sun bathed the kitchen in warm light. Opal had been Ronan’s helper in the kitchen from day one, back when she had first come to stay with him as a foster child all those years ago. Any time Ronan was in the kitchen, Opal was there beside him. She always stuck her hands into everything to try and help, and Ronan always let her.

The social worker involved at the time had praised Ronan for his “good thinking,” and talked at length about how shared activities like making meals together could help him bond with Opal while allowing her to come out of her shell, learn a new skill, and develop a sense of independence. Ronan had nodded like that had been his intention all along, when in reality, all he had known was that Opal lit up the first time he asked if she wanted to help make grilled cheese, so he had asked her every time from then on.

They had been making pancakes every Saturday morning for nearly five years now, and by this time their roles had reversed. In the beginning, it was Ronan doing the measuring and pouring and Opal would stir. Now as Opal measured ingredients proudly by herself, Ronan stood by and happily listened to her chatter away.

When the time finally came to add the special ingredient, Opal graciously let Ronan stir the batter for her while she carefully poured mini-chocolate chips into a measuring cup above the bowl.

Ronan graciously hid his smirk when her hand slipped and she dumped half the bag into the mix.

 

__________

 

One of Blue’s kittens, the little white one, was curled up asleep on Adam’s chest. It had grown attached to him in the two days he had been visiting Blue, which made him feel considerably better about the fact that in less than twelve hours he would be the sole adult responsible for taking care of the whole litter.

Blue had been rushing around her apartment all morning in a whirlwind of imagined productivity, trying to stay busy until after lunchtime when she was scheduled to leave on a summer long trip with her boyfriend.

“Don’t let me forget to pack my boots!” Blue's voice echoed loudly down the hall.

Despite her chaos, Adam stubbornly remained on his makeshift bed on the couch in the living room. He had woken up half an hour ago, but he had woken up to a warm ball of white fluff nestled against his chest, and he still hadn’t talked himself into moving the kitten so he could get up.

Adam smiled fondly and stroked a finger along the sleeping kitten’s back. “You packed your boots last night,” he shouted back softly, trying his best to avoid disturbing the kitten, and then he added, “Everything’s going to be fine.”

Blue popped her head around the corner and pressed her hands to her face. “It’s happening, Adam.”

“Yes, it is.”

Blue wiped her eyes, wet with a mixture of happiness, excitement, and nerves, and then the image in front of her registered. “Oh my God, don’t move.” She sniffled and pulled out her phone to snap a photo of Adam sprawled across the couch with the impossibly small kitten curled against his chest.

Adam laughed softly at Blue’s sniffles.  “Have you named her yet?”

Blue sniffled harder and shot Adam a pleading look, “No, I really think you should.”

Adam frowned. “I told you, I don’t know if I’m even going to find a pet-friendly apartment here, and I-” 

Blue interrupted with a long sigh. “I know, I know. You don’t have time for a cat.” She raised her hands in surrender. “I’m not trying to shove her off on you this time, I promise. I’m just saying I think it would be nice if you were the one to name her. She likes you.”

A smile tugged at the corner of Adam’s mouth. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good! I expect daily updates on my babies while I’m gone,” Blue shouted from around the corner, already rushing off to presumably throw more things in and out of a suitcase that had been prepared and packed for two weeks.

Adam sighed fondly, both at Blue and the kitten. Although he was too warm and content to actually feel bored, he found himself reaching for his phone to pass the time. His thoughts slipped back to the message he had received out of the blue the night before. 

_ok so maybe you’re cute._

He wasn’t sure why, eight hours later, it was still putting a stupid smile on his face, but if the kitten currently using him as a pillow wanted to offer him a thinly veiled excuse to start another conversation with the handsome stranger, he wasn’t going to pass it up.

 

__________

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _So… you’re like a farmer, right? :)_

 

Ronan stared at the message. He had just received Noah’s usual Saturday morning, “on my way be there in 20" text when the message from Adam had startled him into nearly dropping his phone onto what was left of his pancakes.

Ronan coughed and turned to Opal. “Noah’s on his way, you’d better go get dressed,” he said as she used her finger to clean every ounce of chocolate from her plate. “Don’t forget helmet and pads,” he reminded her, but she was already dropping her plate in the sink and rushing up the stairs to her room.

She had spent the entire meal talking in vivid detail about the latest book series she was reading, explaining why it was so important that she get the next book _right now_ , but at the mention of Noah’s name it was like a switch had been flipped and she was now completely focused on spending the day with her favorite uncle. 

When Ronan looked back to his phone, Adam was typing.

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _I need help naming a kitten._

 

Ronan blinked. It seemed Adam could change directions as quickly as Opal.

 

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _why are u messaging me at the asscrack of dawn to name your cat_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _She’s not mine. I don’t have time for a cat._  
_And I saw the story you posted with the newborn calf at the /actual/ asscrack of dawn._  
_Thought you might have experience naming cute baby animals._

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _thats actually my job description how did u know  
_ _im surprised u didnt call through my baby animal naming crisis hotline_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Are you going to help me come up with a name, or can you only communicate in heavy sarcasm?_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _wow i didnt know u were getting any of that. cute AND smart._

 

Ronan chewed at his bottom lip and hesitated before typing his next message. Sarcasm was still his preferred method for keeping people at a distance, but how dangerous could naming a kitten be?

 

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _okay fine  
_ _but im going to need a picture if u expect me to think of a name that fits_

 

There was a brief pause and then a photo appeared.

It was a shot of a very shirtless Adam reclining with a tiny white kitten cradled to his chest, golden sunlight streaming across the hard muscles of his torso and creating a halo of light around the kitten’s white fur. Adam’s soft smile was visible in the corner of the photo.

Ronan forced his eyes to focus on the kitten. It was hotter in the kitchen than he remembered. _Shit._

 

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _let me clarify  
_ _i'm going to need a fully clothed, decent & appropriate picture so my kid can think of a name that fits_

 

Adam’s only response was three laughing emojis in a row.

Another photo came through a second later. This time it was taken from so close up that the kitten’s sleeping body nearly filled up the frame, but in the intimate view of the hand that cradled her against a chest, Ronan could see sunkissed skin and freckles. _Shit._

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _This is the best I can do right now. Decent enough?_

 

Ronan stared too long. He couldn’t exactly tell Adam that his hands alone were too indecent, so he swallowed and tried again to focus on the kitten. He didn’t know what he expected - there was no way his brain was going to settle down and think about cat names right now.

 

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _yeah… sorry i’ve got nothing_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Wow.  
_ _You are useless. I can't believe people pay you for this._

  ** _unguibus_et_rostro:_** _paying clients get top priority sorry man_  
_i’ll let opal deal with the cat after she gets home  
__she’d love that_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Is Opal your daughter’s name?_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _shit_

 ** _adamparrishawake:_** _Sorry!_ _It was just a unique name, I_ _wasn't trying to pry or anything.  
__I_ _get it if it’s weird to talk about your kid._

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _it's actually hard not to talk about her_  
_just weird when i don't know you_  
_all i know is your name is adam parrish (?), you’re fucking cute, and this fucking kitten likes you a lot even though you suck at naming her and are in denial that she’s yours_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _I’m not in denial! I don’t have time for a cat.  
_ _Wait -- when did I get upgraded from cute to fucking cute?? That’s new._

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _the kitten adds a solid 60%_  
_im not a monster, jesus  
_ _that shits adorable_

 **_adamparrishawake:_** _Haha, t_ _hat’s what I keep hearing.  
_ _Blue started crying when she saw us this morning._

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _blue?_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _My friend. I’m staying at her apartment with her kittens while she leaves for the summer._

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_** _what the fuck kind of name is blue?_  
_you should've said something earlier..._  
_no wonder you need help finding a name_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Wow, useless AND rude. :)_

 

After some time, the sound of Noah's Mustang roared up the gravel drive, bringing Ronan back to reality. A reality where his coffee was cold and he was sitting alone at the empty table, smiling like an idiot because of a complete stranger on the internet. 

Noah's steps sounded on the front porch before Ronan could process the fact that he'd spent nearly half an hour talking to a man he'd never met before and it had somehow felt like no time had passed. He took a swig of cold coffee and tried to put it all aside; the conversation, the photos, the smile lingering on his face. If he so much as thought about the man while Noah was here, Noah would know. Noah always fucking knew.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Noah shifted impatiently, jingling his keys in a restless rhythm as he waited on the front porch of Ronan Lynch’s white farmhouse. He was tempted to slide his spare key into the lock and let himself in already, but he knew the crabby Ronan moving in slow motion inside wouldn’t appreciate that, so instead he put his fist up to the door and knocked again.

He knew that Ronan still personally tended to the animals for a few hours every morning before the farmhands and caretakers arrived, so it was beyond him why the man always answered his door like Noah had personally disturbed the best sleep of his life, when in reality all he ever disturbed was the man’s late morning routine of hunching over his kitchen table, wallowing in his subpar coffee.

The door swung open suddenly. Ronan stood in the doorway with a coffee mug in hand, his eyes bright with annoyance and a hint of something else. Instead of his usual sarcastic greeting, he simply nodded and stepped back to let Noah in.

Noah raised an eyebrow and said, “Good morning to you, too.”

Without responding, Ronan turned and started walking back toward the kitchen.

Noah was officially curious. He followed in silence and watched as Ronan rolled up the sleeves of his worn out flannel shirt and started washing the dishes stacked high in the sink.

Ronan wasn’t a particularly talkative person, Noah knew, but he wasn’t usually this quiet, either. He normally greeted Noah with some sarcastic comment, followed by a witty comeback to Noah’s attempt at banter, and then he would catch him up on the progress of the animals he was working with there at the Cabeswater Farm Sanctuary, Ronan’s rehabilitation and rehoming center for abused or disabled farm animals.

Ronan’s silence at the kitchen sink didn’t seem like a particularly angry one, Noah mused, which meant it was about something good - something good that he wanted to keep to himself.

When the realization dawned on him that his lifelong best friend was trying to hide a pleasant secret from him, Noah broke out into a wide grin and leaned his elbows on the counter next to the sink. “So, tell me all about him,” he joked, nudging Ronan’s leg with his knee.

Ronan barely had time to scowl at Noah before Opal appeared behind them and breathlessly exclaimed, “Who, Adam?”

Noah’s eyes widened in surprise and he looked to Ronan for clarification, but Ronan was busy furiously scrubbing a hole in a dinner plate.

Opal didn’t hesitate before crossing the room and crashing into Noah, knocking the wind out of him with an enthusiastic hug. “Hi, Uncle Noah! I’m ready to go!” Her mess of blonde hair was crushed down under an old bicycle helmet, and a pair of brand new elbow pads swallowed her thin arms.  

Noah wheezed and patted the top of her helmet affectionately, then laughed. “You didn’t really have to put all of this on yet, kid. It’s still a twenty minute drive to the park.”

Ronan snorted and muttered something under his breath about Noah’s questionable driving skills.

Noah turned to Ronan with laser-like focus and let out a single, meaningful cough. “So. Adam?” He smiled.

“He’s on Instagram and he’s really cute,” Opal offered up happily. “Dad’s been smiling all morning like a nerd.”

A soapy dish clattered in the sink and Ronan muttered a string of obscenities under his breath.

Sharing Noah’s appreciation for messing with Ronan, Opal let out a gleeful laugh and dissolved into giggles. Noah couldn’t help but join in on the teasing, even as Ronan chewed on his lower lip and looked as though he was trying to remember why he didn’t condone violence.

After a little while of their tag-teaming, the humor of the situation settled a little and Noah began to get the feeling that this was different from their normal messing around. Something seemed off. Ronan had hardly spoken a word, which was strange enough on its own, but he had gone from pleasant to pit viper in two seconds flat just now, and it had been a while since Noah had seen such a drastic mood change in his friend. He softened then, remembering the mess Ronan had been after his last relationship. “Alright, kid,” he gave Opal a playful nudge, “Cousin Andrew’s waiting in the car, we’d better get going and leave your dad to smile like a nerd in peace.”

When Opal was out of earshot, Noah leaned closer to Ronan and quietly said, “It’s been eight years, Ronan. If this _is_ about a guy, hasn’t Opal proved anything to you?” Countless conversations replayed in a silent moment. They had been over this before.

Ronan bit out a humorless laugh. “She hasn’t proved that I should throw myself at a total stranger, no. Don’t get your hopes up.”

Noah sighed, and then leaned into Ronan with a playful nudge, knowing he needed to steer this conversation in a happier direction. A mischievous smile spread slowly across his face. “Fine. But he _is_ cute, right?”

Ronan rolled his eyes, but a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

 

__________

 

Ronan was glad Noah had somewhere to be, otherwise the man would have stood in his kitchen all day, lecturing him about the importance of opening himself up to love.

He had gone through enough counseling to last a lifetime, thanks, and he was pretty sure Opal’s progress and happiness was a positive indicator of his ability to love, so what was the big deal? Not to mention the fact that every animal that came through his rehab center thrived under his careful attention. He hadn’t lost the ability to love, in fact, he thought he might even be a little bit good at it.

He didn’t understand why Noah still got that worried look in his eyes when the subject of relationships came up. He had done his healing, and he was in a good place now. He was happy. He didn't need a significant other in order to prove any of that.

 

__________

 

Outside, he leaned on the window of Noah’s old red Mustang and did his best to ignore the knowing look on the other man’s face. They briefly went over their plans for the day to make sure they were on the same page about getting Opal home later, then Ronan moved to lean down by the rear window to wave at Andrew who was sulking in the back seat. Andrew didn’t acknowledge his presence, but Ronan didn’t mind. He remembered being twelve.

When he turned to Opal, she was eyeing him with an all-knowing smirk that rivaled Noah’s. Ronan narrowed his eyes at her and said, “Brat.” He kissed his fingers and pressed them to her forehead through the open window, their standard goodbye. He pressed harder than normal this time, knocking her head back against the seat. She burst into a fit of giggles.

He stepped away from the car and smiled. “Be careful. I love you.”

She rolled her eyes and said it back like it was either the most embarrassing fact in the world, or the most obvious one. Ronan could never tell.

Ronan watched them fly down the gravel drive with a familiar feeling of love and fond exasperation.

When he was contained within the safety of the driveway, Noah spun his tires and kicked up gravel like a reckless teenager, sometimes taking the turnaround two or three times just to make Opal shriek with laughter. The first time he had started to drive away with Opal like that, Ronan had nearly had a heart attack before he realized that Noah was doing it on purpose to screw with him.

Now he stood barefoot in the grass, hands shoved in his pockets, and watched as the Mustang neared the end of the driveway and slowed to a complete stop, a cloud of dust settling around it. The blinker flicked on and Noah sat patiently for a few seconds, even though there was never any traffic on Ronan’s road, then he gently pulled out onto the road and cruised away at a respectable speed.

Ronan shook his head with a smile and headed inside.

 

__________

 

Less than an hour later, Ronan’s phone pinged with a notification from Instagram.

His heart sank when he saw that it was a message was from Noah. Cursing himself for being so desperate to hear from someone else, he sighed and opened Noah’s message. To his surprise, he was greeted by a picture of Adam; the one with him laying on the floor with the kitten on his chest. He was wearing a shirt in this one, and for a split-second Ronan felt warm all over at the knowledge that he had a more intimate version from Adam in his inbox.

Desperate was definitely the right word.

 

 **_czerny621:_ ** _OH MY GOD_  
_RONAN  
HE’S BEAUTIFUL???_

 **_czerny621:_ ** _RONAN?  
_ _I know you’re reading my messages._

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _i’m not paying you to sit on instagram while my kid skates_

 **_czerny621:_ ** _You’re not paying me at all, asshole._  
_And she’s fine. She’s basically teaching Andrew for me._  
_Anyway. I actually wanted to say sorry for the teasing earlier. It’s fun to make you blush, but it’s not cool to pressure you about someone you just met._  
_Even if he is fucking gorgeous._  
_Damn it._  
_Sorry.  
(Did you even meet? Like have you actually talked to him?)_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _a little_

 **_czerny621:_ ** _That’s great! I’m happy you’re making friends. :)_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _i have friends, asswipe_

 ** _czerny621:_** _Ah, yes, many friends. If you count a world traveling history nerd, a washed up high school swim coach, a tiny blonde version of yourself, and a blind cow named Ella._

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _fuck you_  
_ella is a goat  
hey got any ideas for what to name a white cat?_

 

**__________**

 

It was nearing lunch time and Ronan had just slid into the driver’s seat of his charcoal grey BMW when his phone buzzed with a text from Gansey.

 

_**Gansey:** Slight change of plans! I forgot to tell you, but Jane’s friend came a few days early, so she’s able to make it to lunch after all! You finally get to meet her. :)_   
_**Ronan:** okay… is it still cool if opal meets us there? noah has to be done with her by 12_   
_**Gansey:** Of course! I’d love for Opal to meet her, too. :)_   
_**Ronan:** so it’s really serious then_   
_**Gansey:** Well, we’ve been dating for almost a year, and we’re about to take a three month trip together. I can’t speak for her, but I’m certainly serious about it. In fact, I'm pretty certain she's the one._

Ronan sucked in a slow breath. He was happy for Gansey, of course he was happy for Gansey, but something tightened in his chest at the thought of having to watch Gansey be happy with Jane.

He had put off meeting her for as long as he could, which was surprisingly easy considering how much time Gansey spent out of the country, but his blissful streak of avoiding happy couples and their PDA was unfortunately coming to an end. At least they were leaving for the summer and he would have time to recover from the lovestruck faces Gansey would undoubtedly make at Jane over his French onion soup that afternoon.

 

__________

 

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _godzilla_  
_schroedinger_  
_murphy_  
_noodle  
gobnet_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _What?_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _susan_  
_astro_  
_catherine  
cat for short_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _What the fuck, Ronan. Are you actually suggesting I name my kitten Gobnet?_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _YOUR KITTEN_  
_ha i knew it  
u fucking liar_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _I’m sorry, I’m still stuck on Gobnet. In what world is that an acceptable name for anything?_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _gobnet is a fucking excellent name_  
_and i’m waiting for my friend to introduce me to his future wife over lunch so i wanted to give u my suggestions before their pda sends me to my untimely death_  
_say you’ll name her gobnet  
i have to know before i die_

 

Adam sent three more laughing emojis.

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Anyone ever tell you that you act like a twelve year old?_  
_Listen to yourself.  
"Name your cat Gobnet! Kissing is gross!”_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _fine, have fun using google name generators to name “not your cat”  
_ _i have to go watch a grown man make googly eyes and eat spaghetti at the same time now_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Okay, have fun hating love!_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _god you are so much more annoying than you look_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Then why are you talking to me? :)_

 

Ronan ran a hand over his shaved head and thought, _I could ask you the same thing._ Then he spotted Gansey across the restaurant, standing next to a young woman who immediately brought the word  _fierce_ to mind.

When Gansey spotted Ronan, his face lit up and he grasped the woman’s hand, pulling her across the restaurant in his haste to get to Ronan. The look on the woman’s face made Ronan wonder if perhaps _fearsome_ was a better word. Gansey came to a breathless stop in front of the booth Ronan had chosen, and when he had tamed his wide smile enough to speak, the words came out like laughter. “Ronan, I’d like you to meet Jane.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

**_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Then why are you talking to me? :)_

 

Ronan had come back to this question time and time again over the past week, but he had never come up with an answer.

He could have brushed past it and changed the subject. He could have just kept talking to Adam because it was easy and he enjoyed it, but his brain had gotten stuck on the truth, and in this case, the truth was stupid.

_Because you’re intriguing and painfully beautiful and I miss having someone to talk to._

It was 4:45 a.m. and Ronan was sitting up in bed, the phone in his hand serving as a weak distraction from the dark memories pricking at the edges of his mind.

Apparently, his brief interactions with a stranger on Instagram had gotten under his skin enough to reignite his old nightmares.

He should have known better. He had been stupid to start talking to Adam, stupid to tell him he thought he was _cute,_  for Christ’s sake. It was supposed to be harmless, but then he had found himself thinking about Adam while doing farm chores, or talking to his friends, or driving down the highway. Something about Adam’s easy smile and the way he spoke to Ronan like they were already friends made Ronan feel as though he might accidentally stumble into something more.

He knew what had happened the last time he had let his emotions lead; he had fallen too fast into something too dangerous, and he had barrelled past the warning signs in favor of something that _felt good_. Did it matter that it had been at a time in his life where the only things that felt good were things that hurt him? Did it matter that he was better now? How would he know when feeling good was actually good for him?

It was easier to leave it alone. What need did he have for conversations with a strange and beautiful boy? Ronan spent his evenings cooking homemade dinners in a warm kitchen built with his own hands, reading stories of magic to his vibrant and wild daughter, and taking walks in the fields with animals who taught him more than any human ever had. His life was already better than a dream.

With the first hints of sunrise illuminating familiar shapes in the hazy blue world outside his bedroom window, the last traces of Ronan’s nightmares receded and he felt himself becoming grounded once more in the safety of the life he had made for himself. He laid on his side and scrolled through the photo albums on his phone until he came across a video of Ella playing with him and Opal in the goat pen. Ella had come to Cabeswater Sanctuary having been born blind. In the beginning, she had stubbornly refused to move for fear of crashing into something, but after months of careful attention Ronan had earned her trust and she was growing more comfortable every day. He now had a video of her responding to his voice, letting her know with just one word that it was okay to move freely around the large enclosure.

Watching her playful antics in the video made Ronan laugh all over again, so he uploaded it to his Instagram stories the way Noah had shown him. For as much as Noah teased him about his only friends being the animals, Ronan knew he was second in line when it came to caring about each one. He asked for new videos at least twice a week.

When the video finished uploading, Ronan checked his e-mail and found that Gansey had finally made contact for the first time since leaving with Jane on their summer-long trip.

 

__________

 

_Ronan,_

_It’s incredible here! Sorry for the delay in writing, but we finally have wi-fi! I have to be quick as we are leaving to go snorkeling, but I wanted to let you know that everything is going well. How are you and Opal? Jane loved meeting the two of you (she says to tell you both hi)._

_Thank you for taking the time to meet her last week. I know you don’t like to listen to my “romantic garbage,” as you call it, but it meant a lot to me to have two of my dearest friends finally get to know each other. I hope we will all be able to spend more time together in the fall!_

_Let us know when Opal is free to Skype. We already have so much to show her._

_Hope you’re well. Missing you and the kid.  
_ _Gansey_

__________

 

_hey dick_

_opal has been talking about your trip non-stop since we met for lunch last week. she is, “bored out of her mind,” so dear god just please hurry up and skype with her. message me next time you’re available and i’ll have her get on._

_i don’t want to hear, “i told you so,” and if you tell her i said this i’ll kill you, but it turns out you actually have decent taste for once. jane seems… too good for you, honestly. how did you trick her into dating you again? is it a paid position? what am i missing?_

_anyway, opal loves her. she called her aunt jane the other day, so thanks for that. better not do anything stupid to ruin this or you’ll have two heartbroken women on your hands._

_as hard as it is to believe, i’m glad you’ve found someone. even if you are an annoying fuck about it half the time._

_talk soon  
_ _ronan_

__________

 

Ronan hit “send” on the e-mail and tossed his phone off to the side before rolling out of bed to get dressed for morning chores. He would have to remember to check his e-mail more often so he wouldn’t miss the chance to let Opal video chat with Gansey about seashells and historical artifacts and foreign food for as long as time allowed. Ronan knew Opal loved seeing the world through her uncle’s eyes, and he couldn’t deny that he was interested in hearing from Jane again. He wanted to watch more of her interactions with Gansey.

There was still a part of him that wondered if his first impression of her had been a fluke. He thought back to the previous week when they had all sat in a booth together and talked until Gansey and Jane had needed to rush off to catch their flight. When Jane had recovered from being dragged across the restaurant like a rag doll, she had frozen in shock at the sight of Ronan. She had looked at him with an expression of surprise, or was it confusion? Amusement?

Ronan couldn’t tell. He had managed to growl out, “Is there a problem?” around a clenched jaw.

Jane’s eyebrows shot up for a split second, and then her expression cleared. “Oh! No! You’re just,” she had laughed merrily, “not what I was expecting.”

Ronan was all too familiar with this reaction. Gansey would talk about him to his friends, “My friend, Ronan, you know, the farmer,” or, “Ronan’s daughter made the sweetest picture for me, she’s such an angel,” or, “I met the cutest lamb at Ronan’s animal sanctuary, poor thing can barely walk but he’s making progress,” and then when Gansey’s friends would eventually meet Ronan face to face, they would all say the same thing:

_You’re not what I was expecting._

Their preconceived notions of gentle, compassionate Ronan always scattered into something like shock or fear when they shook his hand and took in the sight of him. Their expressions always shifted a step deeper into “politely horrified” with each detail their eyes cataloged; his shaved head, his piercings, the snake-like tendrils of a wicked tattoo crawling up the back of his neck and creeping over his shoulders. Nine times out of ten, they dropped his hand and recoiled like they’d been burned.

He had to admit he was getting tired of going through the same shitty routine every time he met one of Gansey’s friends.

When Gansey and Jane had slid into the booth across from him, Ronan let out a sigh and mentally prepared himself for another long, uncomfortable social encounter. Jane was the first to speak. “I’m sorry, that was rude. You just looked really familiar and it surprised me. I can’t believe we’ve never met before, Gansey never shuts up about you,” she grinned.

Ronan didn’t know what to say to that. He had been fully prepared for a different conversation, but Jane didn’t seem at all interested in having it.

As it turned out, Jane wasn’t interested in any of the topics Ronan usually had to suffer through whenever he spent time with Gansey’s acquaintances. Instead, she asked questions about the animals he worked with, and he asked questions about her work as a photojournalist and what she looked forward to most about traveling with Gansey. It almost felt too easy, and Ronan almost wondered if Gansey had been onto something when he had said, “It feels like we all knew each other in a past life.”

What sealed the deal for Ronan was when Opal had slid into the booth next to him, and Jane had smiled at her and said, “Hey, I’ve seen your paintings at Gansey’s, you’re pretty good! Have you taken art classes?” And just like that, Opal was seamlessly included in the conversation as if she were an equal and not an inconvenience.

Past life or not, Ronan was pretty sure he approved of Jane.

 

__________

 

After they had said goodbye to Ronan and Opal and boarded their first flight, Blue had leaned into Gansey and said, “How would you feel about introducing Ronan to a friend of mine?”

Gansey was enthusiastic about the idea until he realized that Blue meant to set Ronan up on a date, and then his face fell.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he frowned. “I tried it once and he didn’t speak to me for a month.” When Blue looked apologetic, he tried to explain. “You had no way of knowing,” he assured her. “I try to respect his privacy about these things, but there’s a reason he hasn’t dated anyone since-” he faltered, rubbing a thumb across his lower lip, and then finished lamely, “he’s just not ready for that.”

Blue decided to drop the subject entirely. If Ronan wasn’t interested in meeting anybody, she didn’t want to be the one to set Adam up for that kind of failure. Her past attempts at setting him up had turned out bad enough already.

If she was lucky, they could all meet as friends once she and Gansey returned to the States.

 

___________

 

_Hey Adam!_

_What gives, man? I keep checking Instagram for kitty updates, but you are slacking!! You’re not moping around alone in my apartment, are you? You said you would call Henry once you got settled in._

_I know you saw the pictures of Gansey learning to surf but OH MY GOD isn’t it the best thing you’ve ever seen??? Also, we are staying in Olinda right now and every day his shirt matches a different one of the houses. I’m starting a photo series where he blends into the scenery._

_Tomorrow we are going to Porto de Galinhas. I’m going to bring you back a chicken as a housewarming gift for when you find an apartment! How’s the search going, by the way? Any pet-friendly options looking good?_

_Speaking of animals, how are my babies? Did you name your favorite yet? Send me pictures!!!_

_Tell me how you’re doing! More than “I’m fine”!! I miss you. It’s different when I know you’re 4,000 miles away._

_Love,  
_ _Blue_

_P.S. Did you ever end up talking to Instagram Hottie? Just curious._

 

__________

 

_Blue,_

_Relax, I’m not moping. The cats are keeping me company, and I’ve been cooking my own dinners._

_...Okay, maybe I’ve been moping a little._

_I’ll text Henry soon. There’s a museum I was thinking about visiting this weekend, maybe he’ll want to go with me? I’ll figure something out._

_Please send more photos of Gansey being un-Gansey-like. Oh my God. I can say this now, but those surfing pictures were the first time I ever really got my head around you two together. He’s always seemed so… proper? And no offense, but that’s not a word I ever thought would describe your significant other. It’s nice to see he might have a wild side to rival yours. Although, I don’t think pastel pink and yellow polos really scream “wild.” I’m excited to see your series showing him in his natural habitat. Include the ones of him surfing and getting all sweaty in the rainforest_ _and call it, “The Duality of Gansey.”_

_I’ve found a few apartments that look promising. I’ll send you the top contenders. There’s one with the perfect space for a studio, but it’s not pet-friendly. It’s tempting to think about taking Abigail with me, but I just don’t know. I think this is just my free time talking, and that will change when work picks back up. :( Don’t get excited._

_(Yes. I named her Abigail. It comes from an Irish name that means, “brings joy,” and I think it suits her. They are all doing really well. I’ll send videos soon!)_

_I miss you, but I’m glad you’re having a good time. I want to hear all your crazy stories._

_Love,  
_ _Adam_

_P.S. No. Sorry to disappoint._

_P.P.S. Please never say Instagram Hottie again._

__________

 

Adam closed his laptop and rested his elbows on the counter. With his chin in his hands, he took a long look around Blue’s dimly lit kitchen. It had been a week since she had left, and everything felt different with her gone. It felt emptier somehow, knowing this was his space now - his home for the next few months. He had lived out of hotels before, and that’s what this felt like with Blue gone. He was no longer visiting his friend in her cozy little downtown apartment, he was simply living in another space that provided warmth and safety without ever feeling entirely warm or safe.

It wasn’t even that he felt particularly unsafe or unwelcome in any of the places he had lived over the years, they had just been lacking in some vague feeling he couldn’t name. He had tried to explain this feeling to Blue once before, but he couldn’t find the words to describe what he thought maybe “home” should feel like, and she had ended up giving him tips on how to achieve good feng shui.

Interior decorating had nothing to do with the feeling he was looking for, though, and he knew this because he used to spend all of his breaks from university at Blue’s childhood home. If feng shui was an organized system, it didn’t exist at 300 Fox Way. There was only loud, messy life, with aunts, sisters, cousins, and nieces constantly shouting, laughing, crashing, arguing, cooking, bumping into each other, spilling over each other, living together like the tangled up branches of an overgrown vine.

It was the closest Adam had ever come to having a place that felt like a real home. Looking around Blue’s empty apartment, it dawned on him that there was never a moment of peace and quiet at 300 Fox Way, and since moving in here he had lived most of his days in complete silence. He was content to be alone, he knew, but maybe he could try harder to fill up the empty spaces with a little life and noise of his own.

On a whim, he synced his phone to Blue’s small speaker system and pulled up his music app. A playlist of his favorite Frank Sinatra songs began to play and he couldn’t help the grin that spread over his face at the sound of the familiar feel-good music. Blue would probably laugh at him if she were here, but this was one nice thing about being alone: he was free to make a fool of himself as he pleased.

He walked over to where the litter of kittens was nestled together in a heap and picked up his favorite. He gently lifted her up to his face and looked into her clear blue eyes, searching.

She batted at his face with her tiny paw.

A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. _Gobnet._ Where did Ronan even find a name like that? Adam had gotten the feeling that he was bothering him with his messages, so he had looked the name up on his own a few days ago. After reading a few short articles it suddenly didn’t seem like such a terrible idea. Apparently, it was a variant of an Irish name that meant, “brings joy,” and that somehow suited the little white ball of fluff in a way that no other name had.

In the end, he had settled on naming her Abigail because it had the same meaning, but he could actually say it out loud without laughing.  

Blue would absolutely laugh at him if she were here right now to watch him sway back and forth, dancing nose to nose with a kitten while Frank Sinatra’s _My Way_ played in the background.  

But Blue wasn’t here, and the music was filling all of the empty spaces, and he had begun smiling too wide to sing along, and the kitten in his arms was playfully batting at his nose, and _this_ \- this was something like that feeling he ached for on silent nights.

__________

 

That night as Adam lay in a bed that didn’t quite feel like his, he remembered his promise to Blue and unlocked his phone. He had taken a few short videos of the kittens earlier, and he quickly selected one to post.

When his video finished uploading, he noticed a familiar icon at the top of the screen. He was immediately curious, remembering the video of a newborn calf Ronan had shared the week before.

When he tapped on Ronan’s picture this time, he was greeted with a video of a small brown goat leaning into Ronan’s legs, nudging him with its head. Then there was a warm, low voice that softly said, “Okay, Ella. Move.” Adam’s pulse quickened inexplicably. Another voice piped up, a childish and exuberant echo of Ronan’s words. “Move, Ella!”

The video was filled with the sound of a young girl laughing as the small goat made playful, zig-zagging passes around the empty enclosure, and the slightest shake of the camera told Adam that Ronan was laughing too.

Adam suddenly regretted annoying Ronan with his earlier messages. He wished he could just tell him, “That made me smile.” Instead, he replayed the video four times.

 

__________

 

Ronan was sitting on the couch, waiting for Opal to bring a book down from her bedroom but, unsurprisingly, it seemed as though she had gotten lost somewhere along the way.

It was their summer tradition for Ronan to read to her, most evenings, and they were currently in the middle of _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets._ They had only started the series a few days ago, but Ronan found that his bookmark always seemed to jump ahead without him somehow.

When he grew tired of waiting, Ronan made his way up the stairs and peeked through Opal’s open bedroom door to find the pint-sized girl passed out in bed with the opened copy of _Chamber of Secrets_ propped open on the side of her face.

He tried to stifle his laughter as he carefully removed the heavy book and placed it on the nightstand with the bookmark saving Opal’s new place near the final chapter. At this rate, this series would hardly last them two weeks.

 

When Ronan settled back onto the couch with a cup of tea in hand, he checked his phone and found that Noah had sent him 20 crying emojis in response to the video of Ella. Ronan wasn’t sure, but he thought that was a good thing. He didn’t bother replying, instead, he went back to scrolling through countless updates from agricultural accounts and far too many pictures of highland cattle.

Without warning, he came upon a video of Adam. It started playing automatically, and Ronan didn’t look away. Adam was standing in front of a mirror, holding the little white kitten close to his face and using part of his free hand to make the kitten’s little paw wave at the camera. Adam grinned like he was talking to a friend, and then, with a voice like honey and warm sunshine he said, “See, Blue, Abigail is doing just fine, ‘n so are the rest of ‘em.”

When Ronan watched the video a second time, the song playing in the background came into focus.

 _I tried so not to give in_  
_I said to myself, this affair it never will go so well_  
_But why should I try to resist when, baby, I know damn well  
That I've got you under my skin_

He played it again.

 

__________

 

Adam was half-asleep when his phone lit up with a notification. Squinting his eyes in the dark, he reached for it to see if maybe Blue had already messaged him back.

 

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_** _fuck  
_ _so you chickened out on gobnet huh?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a huge thank you to @admlynch for taking the time to beta this and catch things i missed!! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is some vague talk about past trauma, triggers, and mention of a panic attack in this chapter. i'm planning to keep this story light, but these boys do have rough pasts that will come up now and then. please always let me know if i ever miss a warning/tag!

The smell of freshly brewed coffee slowly seeped into Adam’s senses and prodded him into a dull wakefulness. His eyes slid open to find his room bathed in the warm light of the late morning sun, and the red numbers of his bedside alarm clock told him that it was past ten o’clock.

He couldn't remember the last time he had slept in this late, although with the hazy cloud of sleep crowding his mind, he couldn't remember much of anything right now.

A distant part of him wondered how it could smell so strongly of coffee in his room when he hadn’t gotten up to make any yet, but mostly he was preoccupied with the way his whole body was swallowed luxuriously in cloud-like piles of white bedding. Everything felt weightless and warm, and there was an unnamed happiness lingering just below the surface of the morning.

Memories of the previous night began to filter in, suspended and slow like the dust motes dancing in the rays of light that streamed through the window curtains by Adam's bed.

He wasn’t sure how late he had stayed up talking with Ronan but, as he lay in bed replaying the previous night in his head, the first thing that came back to him with perfect clarity was the strangely desperate feeling of not wanting the conversation to end.

With a yawn, Adam stretched an arm around the bed until he found his phone, pulling it out from under his pillow and unlocking it with a swipe of his thumb. The notification bar was crowded with unread emails, texts, and missed phone calls. His conversation with Ronan was still open. He scrolled back up to the beginning and began to read through it again, trying to satisfy the sudden desire to know much of their conversation had been real and how much had been a dream.

 

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _fuck  
_ _so you chickened out on gobnet huh?_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _"Gobnet" was never going to happen._

 

Ronan’s only response had been a chicken emoji. It was the first time Adam had seen him use one, and it made him laugh quietly to himself.

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Wow. :’) It’s so inspiring to see the elderly learn new technology. Was your kid finally able to teach you, or did you have to take a class?_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _fuck you i know how to find the smiley faces_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Oh my god, you’re adorable._

 

While he waited for a reply, Adam had scrolled through his photo albums until he found a video of Abigail playing with a shoelace.

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _I’ll trade you. Video of Abigail for a video of Ella._

 

Ronan had replied almost immediately with a video of the brown goat as a baby, cradled in his arms and wrapped in a colorful crocheted baby blanket. The juxtaposition of Ronan’s weathered hands cradling something so undeniably _cute_ sparked something in Adam, and he found himself curious for more.

He sent back a video of his little white kitten stumbling around the room in a clumsy half-run. Below it, he simply typed, “Mine is cuter,” and just like that it became a competition, with each man sending videos back and forth in escalating levels of cuteness. In the end, they couldn’t come to an agreement over who won, but Ronan insisted on claiming the victory simply because Adam ran out of videos long before he did.

Adam didn’t think that he was the type of person to judge someone based on a first impression, but after watching seventeen videos of an adorable pet goat, he realized that somehow Ronan was not at all what he expected. Especially after he had sent Adam three videos of Ella in different Halloween themed onesies. When Adam had asked about the costumes, all Ronan had said was, "She had anxiety. They helped her feel safe."

This time, Adam kept his reaction to himself. _Oh my god. You’re adorable._

Even though this was technically their first real conversation, it seemed like he was being shown a different side to Ronan than the one he had seen the first few times they had talked.

Adam got the impression from Ronan’s carefully curated, dark and mysterious feed that he wasn't the type of person to share just anything with just anyone. But here they were, staying up too late talking about their animals, and then somehow talking about everything else.

Adam felt like he had learned more about Ronan after one night than he had learned about most of his college classmates in all of freshman year.

Making friends had never come easily to Adam; he preferred to sit back and observe people until he decided whether they were worth the effort and, so far, only a handful of people had made it past the uncomfortable beginning stages of a friendship into something deeper. But there was something about Ronan’s quick wit and his blunt honesty laced with heavy layers of sarcasm that made Adam forget all about effort. Talking to Ronan was easy. It was easy to open up, and it was just as easy to switch directions and start joking rudely with each other when things got too heavy.

When Adam finally scrolled to the end of their conversation, the timestamps showed that he had fallen asleep somewhere around four in the morning, without ever ending the conversation or saying goodnight.

Adam didn’t allow himself to linger on what that meant for him, or why he found it so easy to interact with this man he’d never met, but his pulse picked up a different rhythm when he thought about the way Ronan had opened up about his own life, sometime around three in the morning.

Maybe it didn’t really count, underneath all of the confusing layers of distance and relative anonymity, but it still felt nice to feel known, if only for a few hours.

A loud crash in the kitchen startled Adam out of his thoughts and he sat up so abruptly that he nearly hit his head on one of the hanging air plants that Blue had strung up above the bed. For a brief, disoriented moment he considered how he would need to adjust the plants to a more appropriate height if he was going to be sleeping here for the next several weeks.

Another crash sounded from the kitchen just as a man’s voice let out a muffled cry.

All at once, Adam was fully awake. His skin buzzed with the sudden awareness that Blue was currently 4,000 miles away and definitely not breaking things and cursing in the other room. His chest tightened with the horrifying thought that he had been lying in bed daydreaming about a boy while someone had broken in to ransack her apartment.

With his heart pounding and adrenaline rushing through his veins, Adam frantically worked to untangle his sweaty limbs from the mess of excessive blankets, eyes scanning the room for something, anything, he could use as a weapon. Heavy book on the nightstand, metal lamp, no, the baseball bat in the corner. Another cry came from down the hall, this time more of a groan than a shout.

“Oh, fuck-balls. You can’t be serious.”

Recognition flooded through Adam and was immediately followed by a wave of wasted adrenaline that left his body uncomfortably heavy and warm. He closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath, counting the seconds as he released it slowly. He wanted to lay back against the pillows until he got his body back under control, but curiosity drove him to his feet. 

When Adam rounded the corner into the kitchen, he was faced with the backside of a well-dressed man bending over a shattered plate. A mess of scrambled eggs and sausage was strewn across the floor. Blood dripped in a small puddle at the man’s feet.

"Henry?" Adam asked, his voice wound tightly with surprise and a hint of lingering panic. "What the hell?"

Henry startled and straightened abruptly to face Adam, one hand grasped the other, his face flushed bright red. "Jesus! You scared me!”

Adam barked a laugh. “I scared you? What are you doing here?”

Henry looked down at his bleeding hand, and then at the mess on the floor, and finally back at Adam. “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m breaking things and cooking breakfast. Thanks for finally joining me. I was beginning to think you were dead.”

Adam rubbed his palms over his eyes and blinked a few times. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? How did you get in? Never mind. Just - stay here. Put pressure on that.” He grabbed a paper towel off the counter and thrust it at Henry’s dripping hand, then rushed down the hallway to rifle through the bathroom for first aid supplies.

“It is not my fault you slept through my calls,” Henry shouted from the kitchen. “I had to let myself in with the key Blue gave me.” There was a pause filled with the silence of Henry Cheng sorting through sentences in his head until he settled on the right one. “She said to give you time to settle in, but I got tired of waiting around, man.”

"I was going to text you," Adam mumbled as he returned to the kitchen and dumped an armload of first aid supplies on the counter. “Let me see,” he motioned to Henry’s hand.

Henry held out his injured hand obediently, and Adam held it gingerly, inspecting the cut running across his palm. “You should probably take these off,” Adam tapped the rings adorning Henry’s fingers, “I doubt you’ll need stitches, but it might swell a bit.”

Henry removed his rings without a word and then allowed Adam to clean his hand and apply an antibiotic ointment before he quietly said, "Blue told me you were moping."

Adam avoided his gaze and fixed his attention on bandaging Henry’s hand. "I wasn't moping. Much."

Henry murmured pleasantly in agreement, which struck Adam as maybe a little too sarcastic but, given the situation, he let it slide.

When his wounded hand was sufficiently wrapped, Henry sighed his thanks and wiggled his fingers, testing. Then he looked pointedly at Adam and asked, “So how is it that you’ve lived in my city for over a week and all I’ve seen of you has been the occasional cat picture online?”

Adam settled onto one of the stools at the counter and rubbed at his eyes. He knew it was a weak excuse, but it slipped out anyway. “I’ve been busy. Adjusting.”

Henry laughed, and the sound filled the kitchen. “Dancing around to 80’s hits in your underwear doesn’t count.”

Adam looked up at Henry with a raised eyebrow. “Excuse me, that's your thing, not mine.”

“Okay, sorry, dancing around to _Frank Sinatra_ in your underwear,” Henry trailed off and waved his bandaged hand in mock apology, then began cleaning the counter of bloodied paper towels and gauze wrappers.

Adam ignored him and tried to stifle a yawn, but it only came back stronger a moment later. With a small sigh, he got up and began to clean up the mess on the floor. It was amazing to him that Henry had managed to sneak in and make a full breakfast while he slept in the other room, but it amazed him even more that Henry had managed to completely ruin said breakfast and injure himself in the process. He had probably used the last of the eggs in the fridge. Adam would have to see if Blue had any cereal left in any of the cupboards.

Adam bent down to pick up the bigger pieces of the broken plate and his head throbbed from the change in position. He mumbled, “God, I’m so tired. Nothing feels real,” and for a moment he was back in his dorm room with Henry, swapping complaints about headaches and workloads and under-qualified professors.

When Adam stood up to dispose of the broken plate, he glanced at Henry just in time to catch the concerned look on his face. All of a sudden, he realized that Henry’s thoughts were also probably somewhere back in their old dorm room, and he rushed to clarify. “I was just up late last night. It’s not like that. I’m fine.”

Henry narrowed his eyes at Adam. “You know Blue and I are obligated not to believe you when you say those magic words. And you’re always up late, but I don’t remember you ever sleeping in past seven.” He tapped the fingers of his good hand on the counter in a thoughtful rhythm. “Be honest with me. Should I be worried about you?”

Adam shook his head and answered around another yawn. “I was just up late talking with a friend and lost track of time. That’s all.”

Was he allowed to call Ronan a friend yet? It normally took Adam such a long time to consider someone a friend that he found himself doubting whether a true friendship could develop in just one week. He technically didn’t know if Ronan even wanted to be considered his friend.

Henry eyed him suspiciously for a long moment, and then a wide smile broke out across his face. “My God. Adam Parrish, relaxing? Talking to people? Next, you’re going to tell me you’ve been having fun.”

Adam’s mind flooded with images of playing with Abby and the other kittens every evening before bed, and he remembered the headache he had gotten from laughing too hard at Ronan in the middle of the night. He grinned and said, “Sometimes I mope, sometimes I have fun.”

Henry made a thoughtful noise. “Well, I don’t care how late you stayed up last night, you’re not moping today. Go get dressed, I know of a good breakfast place.”

 

__________

 

On the drive into the city, they listened to music instead of talking, just like they always used to during their years together in college.

There was no need for them to make small talk and catch up on the past year of their lives because Henry was one of the few people Adam kept in touch with on a regular basis. Henry had moved onto a much bigger modeling agency than the one he and Adam had worked with when they were roommates, and he had since had several opportunities for international travel, all of which he had kept Adam updated on through Instagram and the occasional text.

Adam had recently published his third novel and was scheduled to begin work on his fourth, but after a particularly long book tour he had decided to treat his move to a new city as an opportunity to take his first vacation in years. He had been writing non-stop since before graduation, while still working the occasional modeling job, and when he told himself he needed to find a hobby, something to do for fun, he dove headfirst back into his high-school love of painting and pottery making. That had stayed at a hobby level for a full year before he realized he could sell his pieces for extra income, and then suddenly his side hobbies became side jobs.

Henry knew all of this from their occasional conversations and always made it a point to “tsk, tsk” at Adam for being incapable of working just one job, even if that one job provided enough financial stability.

Henry parked his car on the street and they walked down the busy sidewalk to a small, crowded cafe that overflowed with conversation and the comforting smell of freshly baked bread. As they stepped in line, Henry eyed Adam and asked, “So, how’s the big vacation going?”

Adam shoved his hands into his pockets and chewed on his lower lip for a moment before sheepishly admitting, “I’ve been busy looking at apartments and…” He trailed off, pretending to be interested in the chalkboard menu above the rows of bagels and loaves of bread. Henry kept his gaze fixed on Adam and cleared his throat, clearly waiting for Adam to finish his sentence.

Adam gave a small groan and finished lamely, “And writing.”

Henry turned away to look at the menu, a long sigh escaping his lips. “You can’t keep spending every second of your life alone with your work, Adam. It’s not healthy.”

Adam shrugged in defense. “I don’t spend every second…” he trailed off for a moment and then continued with a hint of defiance in his voice. “I’m not working right now, am I? And I’m not alone.” He bumped his shoulder into Henry’s and tried to steer the conversation toward Henry’s favorite breakfast food options.

Henry only agreed to stop pestering Adam about his lack of a social life when Adam agreed to go out with him next weekend to “see the city” and “meet new people.” Neither one of these things sounded particularly appealing to Adam, and he was already worried about leaving Abby for the evening, but he was too tired to argue. Sleeping in late had a terrible effect on his mental clarity. He made a mental note to set an alarm if he ever stayed up late talking to Ronan again, and then he immediately felt embarrassed for assuming that Ronan would even want to stay up late talking to him again.

 

__________

 

Henry and Adam spent the entire afternoon touring the city and stopping at all of Henry’s favorite little shops. Adam indulged in too much coffee and too many pastries, and Henry bought himself yet another ring to add to his heavily adorned good hand. After a noisy dinner at a crowded cafe, Adam felt overfull and satisfied, ready to head home and call it a day. Henry refused, insisting instead that they visit the local art museum. “Have you forgotten that this is your vacation? I know you’ve been wanting to check this place out,” he hummed in a tempting voice. “You can keep writing later.”

Adam piped up, “Actually, I’m not really writing yet, I’m technically still in the planning stages-”

Henry folded his hands under his chin and blinked pleasantly up at Adam. “Adam, can I offer you some advice?”

Adam rolled his eyes. “No.”

Henry let out a laugh. “Too fucking bad, my friend, here it is anyway: _breathe._ Have some fun before old age takes you in your sleep.”

Adam sighed and muttered, “I have plenty of fun.”

Henry leveled him with a stare. “Explain how taking a month-long vacation from work is fun when you spend the whole thing holed up in your apartment, away from your incredibly charming friends, _working._ ”

Adam didn’t have an answer.

 

__________

 

When they arrived at the museum, Henry immediately assumed the role of tour guide and insisted on showing Adam his favorite exhibits first. Adam half expected Henry revert back to his days of trying to impress their Art History professor by regurgitating memorized facts about the art pieces and presenting him with a pop quiz at the end of the night.

Instead, Henry led him on a winding path through various exhibits with a wild sparkle in his eyes and grabbed at his arm when they reached their first stop.

“This is my favorite piece,” Henry said, his voice dripping with awe. “I can’t believe it’s still here, every time I come. You know this is a family-friendly establishment, right? It’s amazing.”

Adam followed Henry’s gaze to an exhibit that depicted multiple sculptures winding and twisting around each other in a tangled mess that Adam only identified as an orgy once he stepped up for a closer look.

The longer he looked, the more convinced he became that it was indeed an orgy, but not one entirely made up of humans. At least three of the sculptures had distinct alien qualities about them. Adam was studying the strange facial features of one of the alien looking beings when Henry leaned in to whisper reverentially, “I counted seventeen penises.”

A loud laugh escaped Adam before he could help himself and he glanced around to see if anyone had noticed, but Henry was already dragging him along to the next exhibit.

The rest of the evening followed in much the same way, with Henry pointing out the most bizarre exhibits in the building and offering his often inappropriate commentary. Adam tried to feel ashamed for acting like a wild teenager in such a prestigious museum, filled with pieces of art that he truly admired and respected, but it had been so long since he had been around Henry like this, and he had forgotten how horribly funny his friend could be, under the right conditions.

By the time they reached the last exhibit, Adam was laughing freely at all of Henry’s colorful remarks and was even offering some commentary of his own, much to Henry’s delight.

When they came upon a large painting of a disfigured ogre wearing tattered robes and kneeling beside an injured lamb, Adam bit his lip to hide his smirk and quietly snapped a photo. He wasn’t sure what Ronan would think if he were here with them, but he wished he could find out. Would he think Adam was immature and foolish for goofing off in a place meant for serious appreciation of art, or would he join in on the fun?

Adam waited until Henry was busy leading the way to the exit, and then he quickly sent the photo to Ronan.

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _OMG it’s really you? :’)_

 

When he pocketed his phone and stepped up next to Henry, he realized why Henry had stopped short at the glass doors of the museum. It was pouring down rain outside, and they had parked at the far side of the parking lot. Henry looked at Adam questioningly, and then they both shrugged and pushed through the double doors.

The rain soaked them instantly as they took off on a wild run across the parking lot, Henry whooping entirely too loudly for a man of his age, and Adam laughing harder than he had all year.

 

The drive back to Adam’s apartment was filled with the sort of comfortable silence that often follows a full and satisfying day. Henry sang along to _Like A Prayer_ when it came on the radio and tried to get Adam to join in, but Adam was content to sit back and listen, feeling happier and more alive than he had in a long time.

His already high mood only made it more surprising when his phone lit up with a notification from Instagram and he felt an even bigger happiness spread through him.

In his eagerness to open his message from Ronan, he forgot all about the picture he had sent earlier, and he forgot that Henry was currently riding in the car with him. When he unlocked his phone, his own laughter took him by surprise and it filled the car before he could stop himself.

Ronan had sent a wall of middle finger emojis.

When Henry finally turned to him with a curious expression and asked what he was laughing at, Adam shook his head and quickly tried to suppress the rest of his laughter. He cleared his throat and said, “It’s nothing… just my friend."

Henry kept his eyes on the road and his expression neutral, and asked, “Would this, by any chance, be the friend you stayed up all night talking to?”

Adam turned to look out the window, hiding the flush of warmth on his face. He quietly insisted, “I didn’t stay up all night.”

Henry didn't reply, but Adam glanced over in time to catch a glimpse of his wide, knowing smile.

 

__________

 

Despite the heavy clouds that darkened the sky outside, and the fact that he had only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before, Ronan’s mind felt clearer than it had in a long time. He was taking his time finishing the last of his dinner while Opal laid on the living room floor, scribbling words into a notebook, and the steady sound of the rain cast a blanket of calm over the evening. Although Ronan wasn’t looking forward to the trip he would have to take out the barn after dinner, he could at least try to enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasted.

A long roll of thunder rumbled in the distance, and Ronan let out a sigh. Just as he was about to shove his chair back from the table and stand to head outside, his phone lit up with a notification from Adam. He opened the message too quickly and stared at the strange picture for a confused moment until he noticed the message that came with it.

 

 ** _adamparrishawake:_** _OMG it’s really you? :’)_

 

Glancing at the photo again, Ronan let out a laugh. _Asshole._

He spent too long looking for the middle finger emoji he had seen Noah use before, and when he found it, he sent as many as he could fit in one message.

Noah was always telling him that he needed to open up more, talk to more people, and maybe he was right, but opening up was usually synonymous with _making yourself vulnerable_ and Ronan frankly didn’t see the appeal. Talking to Adam was different, though. It didn’t feel like opening up... it just felt like talking.

Maybe it would have been harder if Adam had been someone he had met around town, but the more he talked to Adam the more he realized how untouchable the man was. An overwhelming majority of Adam’s photos indicated that he lived several states away, and Ronan told himself this was a good thing - the same way he told himself it was a good thing that Adam’s follower count was in the tens of thousands. When Adam confirmed Ronan’s half-joke of a question about modeling with a simple, “I used to, but I’m busy with writing now,” that settled it. Adam was completely out of reach.

Ronan felt strangely comforted by the fact that his messages were landing in the likely-overflowing inbox of a famous model-turned-author who lived hundreds of miles away. There was clearly enough of a barrier between them that Ronan had felt his own defenses begin to slip somewhere around the second hour of their conversation. Maybe it was something about the night, or maybe it was something about Adam, but somehow Ronan found himself talking about the night he had left his ex.

To his credit, Adam hadn’t responded with any of the typical, “Your trauma makes me uncomfortable and I want to fix it,” phrases that Ronan was used to hearing. It was just a casual conversation, even if his heart was pounding the whole time.

 

 _ **unguibus_et_rostro:** so uhh yeah _  
_as dumb as it sounds, it’s hard to even look at a blue heeler_  
_this one came into the shelter last month and i had to have someone else take care of her until we found her a new home_  
_and it’s not even the dog’s fault_  
_like shit_  
_it’s so stupid_

  
_**adamparrishawake:** That’s horrible. :/_  
_It’s not the same, but one time my neighbor’s car broke down and they drove a rental for a week… an old red Ford pickup truck._  
_Had a panic attack the first time they came home in it, and almost did every night that week._  
_I guess I just mean… I get it._  
_It’s not stupid._

 

Adam had briefly answered Ronan’s question about the story behind the old red Ford pickup truck, and then they had argued the merits of speed vs. reliability in modern sedans until Ronan’s heartbeat returned to normal.

It was still somewhat hard to believe, but he had talked to someone about his shitty past and it had turned out fine. Even now as he made his way to the back door he couldn’t bring himself to regret having such a personal conversation last night. Not when the person he’d had the conversation with was treating him the same way as he had before; like he was an asshole, and like they were friends. 

 

A smile tugged at the corner of Ronan’s mouth as he bent over to pull on his old muck boots.

He shrugged on his rain jacket just as Opal rounded the corner and gasped out, “I’m coming with you.”

Ronan’s face twisted in confusion. “It’s raining, kid.”

It wasn’t just raining. The rain was an all-encompassing torrential downpour, a thunderous wall of water that made it hard to see from the back porch to the nearest barn.

Opal put her rain boots on with a frantic stomp for each foot and huffed out, “I know.”

She carried her old crocheted blanket in one hand and snatched up her raincoat with the other, and before Ronan could ask what she was doing, the back door slammed shut behind her.

Ronan followed, closing the door properly behind him, but Opal was already out of sight, hidden by the heavy downpour.

The moment he stepped out from under the shelter of the house, the barrage of water hit him with such force that he wondered how Opal had managed to run outside without getting knocked off her feet. He tugged the hood of his jacket down farther over his eyes and ducked his head against the rain as he jogged down the steps and slogged through the mud to where he knew Opal would be waiting for him.

He found her a moment later, perched atop the ATV that sat under the large oak tree in the backyard. The branches overhead weren’t doing much to shield her from the waves of rain and Ronan could see a shiver run through her small frame. Instead of putting on her raincoat, she had wrapped it around the blanket that she had balled up in her lap. The rain had already completely soaked her hair and clothes.

It was raining too loudly for Ronan to ask what she was doing, so he simply stripped off his jacket and held it out to her, not bothering to shout over the roar of the wind and rain. When she didn’t move to take it, he leaned in and insisted loudly, “You’ll catch your death.”

She reluctantly grabbed the large jacket and threw it on around her shoulders, then shouted back, “That’s just an old wives tale.”

 

__________

 

After Ronan finished up his work in the office and locked up the back doors of the barn, he made his way over to the goat pen.

He found Opal kneeling in the straw next to Ella. She had spread her old blanket on the ground and coaxed Ella onto it, and now the small goat was nestled in a content heap by Opal’s side.

When Opal looked up to see Ronan leaning into the pen, her face lit up and she said, “She was scared, but I think my blanket is helping just like it used to!”

Ronan leaned his arms on the gate and bent down to rest his head on his hands as he watched his daughter pet Ella’s head and talk to her in a low voice. He couldn’t hide his smile, and he found that he really didn’t want to.

He said, “Opal, you know how you were asking me about the word ‘compassionate’ earlier?”

She kept stroking the goat’s head and didn’t look up. “Yeah?”

“What you just did for Ella was compassionate.”

Opal glanced up at Ronan with a curious look. “You mean because I was worried about her?”

Ronan’s smile widened. “Kind of, but it’s more than just worrying about someone. It's like... compassion is when you know someone's struggling, and you think about how they might be feeling, and you do something to help. Just like how you thought Ella might be afraid so you brought out one of your old blankets to help her feel safe.”

There was a pause, and Ronan could hear Opal’s teeth chattering from her huddled up position on the floor, and then she said, “Oh, so it’s like how you thought about how I was freezing to death and you gave me your jacket?”

Ronan let out a laugh. “I guess so, yeah.”

Opal looked up at him and grinned. “Cool. We’re both compassionate.”

Ronan grinned back. “We have our moments. But we can always look for ways to do better.” He reached down over the gate and scrubbed a hand through her mess of wet, tangled hair.

 

Later, when they were walking back to the front of the barn to head back to the house for the night, Ronan said, “Hold on a second,” and stopped behind one of the horse’s stalls.

Opal looked confused but she didn’t say anything when Ronan pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of the horse’s backside, and Ronan didn’t bother explaining.

 

That night after he tucked Opal into bed, Ronan opened his conversation with Adam and uploaded the photo.

 

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _found you, parrish_

 

Ronan was already grinning by the time the three dots appeared to show that Adam was typing a response.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm baking tumblr user @softasapoem a triple layer cake for being an awesome beta and helping me out so much with adam's pov! this chapter would have rotted away in my drafts folder without them. <3 (ronan's pov is unbeta'd because i just wrote it and i'm going to pass out if i don't hurry up and post this.)
> 
> i hope you enjoy this update!! i'd love to hear your thoughts/reactions/questions! thank you so much for reading! <3


	6. Chapter 6

 

Ronan had run out of excuses for why he was spending so much time on his phone. Earlier that evening, Opal had walked into the living room and found him lying on the couch staring at his phone again, and when their eyes met, she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

He threw a pillow at her from across the room and missed. She threw it back and knocked his phone out of his hands. When her triumphant laughter died down, she shouted, “Sorry, Adam!” across the room, as if he could hear her.

As much as he tried to hide it, Ronan found Opal’s teasing surprisingly amusing. He was grateful, though, that he was already experienced at hiding his laughter when her behavior didn’t need any encouragement. If her teasing had been directed at anybody else, Ronan would have been proud of the way she combined “shithead” and “angel” so neatly into one personality, but the problem with her teasing him about Adam was that it mostly served to remind him just how ridiculous his crush was. Adam was a successful author, a talented artist, and a gorgeous former model who had tens of thousands of followers online. Ronan knew he couldn’t be the only person he was talking to. Every time Adam posted a new photo, men and women alike bombarded the comments section with adoration, flattery, and lewd suggestions. He could only imagine what Adam’s inbox looked like.

Ronan swallowed down the uneasy feeling that surfaced whenever his mind started working overtime to remind him that he was an insignificant presence in Adam’s life, even as Adam only ever seemed to take up more and more space in his. He told himself it was okay, that it was a good thing, even. He wasn’t looking for anything more than friendship.

They had quickly fallen into a comfortable habit of talking every day, and their interactions had quickly become one of the things Ronan most looked forward to upon waking every morning. It never seemed to matter how good or bad his day was, talking to Adam always made it better. Some days Ronan kept busy, made himself hold back and wait for Adam to message him first, but some days he found himself coming up with any old excuse to start a conversation.

 

__________

 

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _want to see something cool?_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Is it another animal giving birth?_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _………yes_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Fuck you._

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _what’s your problem man don’t u want to see the miracle of life??_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Fuck you.  
__I opened that last one at lunch with a friend._

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _hahahahahahahaha_

 

__________

 

As much fun as it was to get Adam riled up, it was just as easy to have serious conversations. Adam always seemed to know what Ronan needed; laughter, distraction, a place to vent, a different perspective. Something about the way Adam talked to him made it feel like his words could spill out, unguarded. He hadn’t known it could be this easy.

 

Ronan sat on the couch and waited by the light of a lamp for Opal to bring down the book they were currently reading through. He tried to calm his mind and focus on spending a quiet evening with his daughter, but worry tugged at him. He typed out a quick message to Adam and returned his phone to his pocket just as Opal came back with her book and settled in next to him.

 

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _somebody wants to adopt ella_

 

Opal looked up at Ronan and asked, “Can I read to you tonight?”

Ronan nodded right away. “Of course you can.” He didn’t immediately understand the point of her reading to him since he didn’t particularly care about this story, so as he leaned back and propped his feet up on the coffee table he asked, “Any particular reason you don’t want me to read it to you tonight?”

Opal scooted closer, stretching out until her legs reached his. She used his thighs as a footrest, crossing her feet and digging into his legs with her bony ankles. He waited quietly.

When she was finally comfortable, she propped the book open on her lap and said, simply, “You seem kind of bummed out tonight, and it always makes me happy when you read to me, so I wanted to see if it would help you too.”

Ronan gave her ear a little tug. She tried to hold back a laugh as she swatted his hand away, and he pulled her in for a hug, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. He said, “It’s working already.”

She looked up in surprise. “But I haven’t even started reading yet,” she said curiously. Ronan began laughing, and only stopped when he saw it was confusing her even more.

“It was sweet of you to want to cheer me up,” he smiled. “I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing because you surprised me and made me happy.”

That seemed to satisfy her, and she nestled happily into his side and began to read.

The musical sound of her small voice picking carefully through long, complicated words was nearly enough to erase the day’s worries from Ronan’s mind, if only it didn’t make him imagine terrible scenarios of him having to explain to her that a nice couple wanted to adopt Ella. He’d already made up his mind not to tell her anything until he knew what he was going to do about it, but it was as if a strange sense of future guilt was already haunting him.  

Eventually, Opal’s yawns took over the story and she sleepily extracted herself from their nest on the couch and went up to get ready for bed.

Ronan had one new message waiting for him.

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Is that even an option? I thought she was kind of like your own pet._

 

He had hardly said anything, but there it was again; that feeling of being understood. All of Ronan’s tangled thoughts spilled out in a rush.

 

 _ **unguibus_et_rostro:** i always try to rehome the animals if possible, but i don’t know _  
_i don’t think i can do it with her_  
_it feels selfish though_  
_idk_  
_normally rehoming is the best option, but i just can’t see her having to get used to a whole new space_  
_and new people_  
_like fuck_  
_she really likes opal_

 

Adam’s response came almost instantly.

  
_**adamparrishawake:** Just because it’s what you want doesn’t mean it’s a selfish decision._  
_I mean, she’s obviously safe, comfortable, loved and happy._  
_If you’re the best home for her, how is it selfish to keep her there with you?_

Ronan thought for a long moment and realized he didn’t have a good argument. Adam was right. It wouldn’t be right to take Ella’s whole world away from her and make her start all over again. Relief washed over him and he felt foolish for getting worked up about any of it in the first place.

 

 _ **unguibus_et_rostro:** yeah i guess _  
_selfish or not, i don’t really see how i’d give her up, so i guess it doesn’t really matter_  
_have you figured anything out about abby?_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Still haven’t found a place. :/_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _but you’re still looking, right?_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Yeah, I’m still looking._

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _good_ _  
_ _that little rat worships the ground you walk on_

 

__________

 

It was an uncharacteristically cool night. Adam took one of his many books out onto the apartment’s tiny balcony, wrapped himself in his oversized comforter, and settled in to read. Under the light streaming out from Blue’s living room, he cradled the book in his lap and tried to focus on the words in front of him, eager to disappear into a different world for the night. It had been a long, productive day of working on his own book, but that initial feeling of accomplishment had been dampened by yet another unsuccessful evening of apartment searching. He had begun to look almost exclusively at pet-friendly options in the area, but every time he thought he’d found a good one, some issue came up that ruled it out. He knew he still had plenty of time to find a place, but he was growing more attached to Abigail with each passing day, and not knowing whether he would be able to keep her at the end of the summer made him uneasy.

A soft mewing sounded behind him and he turned to look at the screen door he’d left open a crack. The small white kitten had followed him to the balcony and was begging to be let out.

He stood, letting the blanket slide off his shoulders and fall in a heap as he stepped over to the door to push it open a little farther and scoop her into his arms.

He greeted her softly and tucked her close to his chest as he settled back into his chair, adjusting the blanket around himself to create a cocoon of warmth for the both of them.

His book sat forgotten as he lifted her up and looked into her wide blue eyes. “Hey Abby girl, what do you think?” he murmured, “You want to stay here with Blue and the whole family?”

Abby let out a soft meow.

Adam sighed, “I’d still visit, obviously. You’d never be bored, you’d have someone to play with all the time,” he suggested hopefully. Abby squirmed in his arms until he lowered her into his lap and let her curl up into a ball. He stroked her back as she purred quietly.

An uncomfortable feeling tugged at Adam’s heart as he watched her drift off to sleep in his lap. He wasn’t in the mood to read anymore, so he reached for his phone and refreshed his email inbox, looking for a distraction.

 

__________

 

_Hey Adam!_

_How’s everything going? I already know you’re working on your book instead of relaxing, so feel free to yell about it if you need to. <3 Henry told me he’s working on making you get out and have fun, so I’m not going to worry about that too much. He also said you’re making friends? Where? Who? Good for you! _

_I’ve been making friends too. Gansey’s working a lot this weekend so I’ve been hanging around the house we’re staying in, just to take a break for a little bit, and so far I’ve met:_  
_Two lizards, Steve and Tracy._  
_One frog, Richie Rich._  
_One tarantula, Oh-God-no. (Gansey named him, in case you couldn’t tell.)_

 _But really, I’ve been having such a good time! It’s even better than I thought it would be, being here with him. I thought it’d be at least a little strange to suddenly be living together, in a foreign country no less, but it feels like the most natural thing in the world. I’m so happy. It’s like this trip is just highlighting all of the ways he’s my best friend, and that makes me fall in love with him even more. Don’t get me wrong, we still get frustrated with each other when things go wrong, like when it’s raining and we miss the bus because one of us read the map wrong, and then we have to ask directions from strangers and end up having to walk alongside a busy highway bridge to get to the next bus station, all while a drunk guy follows us -- you get the picture. It’s not perfect. You know firsthand how infuriating I can be, and you’ve heard him drive me crazy a time or two, but I guess my point is that none of the difficult stuff makes it feel any less... right. I don’t know how else to explain it. It just feels so right. Does that make sense?_  
  
_Ugh, okay, I’ll stop rambling about love now. Sorry!_  
_Miss you and can’t wait to hear back from you. <3_

  
_Blue_

 

__________

 

Adam read Blue’s email in her voice, the one she used when she was excited about something and got all flustered and animated. He smiled, picturing her waving her hands as punctuation as she ranted about how much she was in love with Gansey. In that moment, he missed her more than he had in the last few weeks combined. He shifted Abby into a more comfortable position, leaned back in his chair, and began to type out his reply.

 

_Blue,_

_Does Gansey know Richie Rich is named after him? Henry would be so proud. Also, why is Henry giving you so many updates on my life? I might as well not write back since he’s going to tell you everything anyway. The book is actually going really well so far. Apartment search, not so much. But then, you probably already know all that from Henry. See? You guys are terrible._  
  
_I’m really happy for you and Gansey, though. There’s no need to apologize for talking about what makes you happy. It’s honestly really good to see you two working together so well even when things get tough. It makes me feel maybe 10% better about the fact that he stole the #1 best friend spot and then carted you off to another country. :)_

_Please, please, please don’t talk about this with Henry, because he got annoying the second he suspected it, but I did kind of meet someone. It’s nothing, nothing’s happened, I’ve only known him for a couple of weeks, but we talk… kind of constantly? I don’t know. It feels like I’ve known him for a long time. I mentally know it doesn’t make sense, for so many reasons, but it already feels weird if we don’t talk at some point during the day._

_Am I being stupid? Actually, I already know I’m being stupid. I think I need you to tell me I’m being stupid. (Not sure it will help, though. We already talked today, but I’m thinking about messaging him again. See? Stupid.)_

_Can’t wait for you to come home. I’m clearly falling apart without you steering me into the arms of every repulsive person in the city._  
_Adam_

 

In the off chance that Ronan was still talking to him when Blue came home at the end of the summer, he would be glad he took this opportunity to confess his crush while she was still 4,000 miles away and out of hugging range. Adam held his breath and hit send.

A moment later, after he reread what he’d written three times, he put his face in his hands and let out a muffled groan. Just talking about Ronan was enough to make his face feel warm, and he hadn’t even _said_ anything.

Blue was apparently still online because a few minutes later, her reply appeared in his inbox.

 

 _Adam!!!_ _  
_ _Oh my god! You’re not being stupid, dumbass. Relationships don’t always follow the rules of logic. I mean, if they did would I be sharing a hammock with Richard Campbell Gansey III right now?_

_Are you going to tell me more about this guy? I want to know who’s worthy of an Adam Parrish crush!_

_Mushy feelings aside, it seems like you have a pretty good friendship going if you’re talking every day. Isn’t that worth the “stupidity” already? :) Sounds like if you keep being stupid, some really wonderful things might happen._

_If you promise to keep me updated I promise I’ll try really hard not to be annoying about it! I love you!!_ _  
_ _Blue_

 

Adam sat in silence and let Blue’s words settle around him. He didn’t know if it had gotten colder while he’d been sitting there, or if it was just nervous energy making him shiver, but he no longer felt like sitting out on the balcony for the rest of the night.

He gathered his kitten, his book, and his blanket into his arms and went inside to take a shower. He set Abby down safely on the living room floor and slid the door closed behind him. When he crossed the room to set his blanket and book down on the couch, she followed closely, nearly tripping him with every other step.

It wasn’t until later when he stepped out of the shower to find Abby nestled in the sleeve of the t-shirt he’d left lying on the floor that he began to wonder if this was normal cat behavior or if she really did worship the ground he walked on. Either way, it made him smile.

 

__________

 

By now, Ronan was used to receiving the occasional short video from Adam, usually of Abby playing with a bit of string and being adorable, so when he saw the thumbnail of the little white ball of fluff standing on a grey tiled floor he pressed play, expecting the same adorable nonsense that he had grown accustomed to over the past few weeks.

The video was shaky at first, only showing blurry footage of the tiny kitten chasing after Adam as he walked away, his bare feet barely visible in the frame. Then he stood still and the video focused on the kitten playfully attacking the hem of his sweatpants. There was a quiet laugh, and Adam’s low, warm voice said, “She doesn’t know the meaning of personal space.”

Ronan was still reeling from hearing Adam’s voice directed at _him_ when the camera panned up to show Adam’s reflection in a full-length mirror as he backed up slowly, the kitten still scrambling to stay latched onto his legs. He was wearing nothing but a pair of grey sweatpants that sat low on his hips. He was looking down at the kitten, still laughing quietly, and Ronan was painfully aware of how much he loved Adam’s laugh. Hearing him laugh like this was so much better than those laughing emojis he always sent.

This was the best video Ronan had ever seen.

He replied,

 

_do you ever wear a shirt asshole_

 

A few seconds later, he received a picture with the word, “NO,” scrawled across it in messy handwriting. It was a photo of just Adam this time, still standing in front of the mirror. His face still held bits of laughter in his wide smile and the crinkles around his eyes. He was still shirtless.

Ronan scrambled frantically for a coherent reply.

 

 _jesus  
_ _are u forgetting my kid steals my phone all the time_

 

Another moment passed.

This time, a button appeared that simply said, “view photo.” Ronan pressed it.

Adam was lying sprawled out in bed, grinning up at him. He had to be aware of just how much of his body he had captured on camera for Ronan. This time the text across the photo read, “this one disappears.”

Holy fuck. Was this flirting? What was he supposed to say to that? In his confusion over the disappearing photo, Ronan hadn’t taken in the sight of Adam lying there like he wished he would have, and now it was gone and he was left with nothing but a furiously pounding heart.

 

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _fuck you  
_ _how did you do that_

 

Adam sent back a laughing emoji and outlined the steps for Ronan until Ronan was pretty confident that he could do it, too.

 

__________

 

Adam opened the photo from Ronan faster than he would have ever admitted. He curled onto his side and shoved his blanket under his chin, making himself comfortable and opening the photo without realizing he was holding his breath. It all came out in a laugh when a picture of Ronan in the same position appeared. He was lying on his side in bed, face half buried in a pillow, blanket shoved up around his neck. The only part of Ronan that was visible was a dark scowl that sent shivers down Adam’s spine.

He started typing a few different responses, but gave up after a moment and simply sent back a nearly identical photo to the one Ronan had sent. The only difference was that Adam was smiling in his.

When Ronan finally responded three full minutes later, the blankets were pulled up so far that all Adam could see were his eyes, but that was enough. Adam knew. It was proof that he had made Ronan smile.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to put this fic on hiatus over the winter when my health hit rock bottom, but as of this month i've turned a corner and have started writing again. thank you for being patient with me and sticking with this story! it's been living in my head for almost a year now and i'm excited to get it all out there. the next couple chapters are written and i hope to get on some sort of regular update schedule soon. thank you so much for your patience and, as always, thank you for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

 

Ronan woke before sunrise, feeling lighter and more well-rested than he had in a long time. Even before he began forming coherent thoughts, his chest ached with a strange happiness. He lay there with his blankets kicked down to his feet, and rubbed a hand over his face, smiling to himself in the dark.

He knew without looking at his phone that it had been real, but he reached for it on his nightstand anyway.

The last message was timestamped 1:47 a.m., meaning Ronan had only gotten a few hours of sleep yet again, but he felt strangely energized as he got up and walked to the bathroom. His smile lingered as he scrolled through their conversation with one hand and ran water over a washcloth with the other.

It might not have meant anything to Adam, and Ronan knew that. He knew Adam could spin in a circle, point, and find ten people willing to stay up all night talking to him, but Ronan couldn't help that it meant something to him. Adam was clever, kind, unashamedly genuine, painfully beautiful, and for some reason, he seemed to enjoy spending time with Ronan. Ronan was done trying to pretend he wouldn't gladly take every second of time Adam offered.

 

 

Ronan was humming quietly in the kitchen when Opal stumbled in, bleary-eyed but eternally eager.

"Morning, Dad.” She let out a loud yawn.

Ronan stretched his arm out and pulled her into a lazy side hug, smoothing a hand over her wild hair. "Morning, kiddo. Hungry?"

"Duh," she exclaimed, pulling a chair up to the counter so she could reach the cupboards above.

When Ronan simply turned back to his coffee and went back to humming, Opal stopped with her hand on a bag of flour and turned to him with a curious look. She wrinkled her nose. "Do I need to read to you every night?"

A laugh escaped Ronan. For the next few minutes, he focused on helping her make pancakes and prayed she would forget about analyzing his good mood.

 

__________

 

The late morning sun had blanketed the farm in stifling heat by the time Ronan finished breakfast and headed out to the back shed to fix an old, rusted piece of equipment. He had been wrestling the same stubborn bolt for a few minutes when Opal appeared in the doorway.

“Are they on their way yet?”

He wiped the sweat from his forehead with a rag and checked his phone. One of his new notifications was a text from Noah. “‘On my way, be there in twenty.’ He sent it ten minutes ago.”

Opal let out a delighted yell and slapped the doorway on her way out, running across the yard to go inside and get changed. Noah and Andrew were coming over to swim in the lake today.

Ronan turned his attention back to his phone, forgetting everything else at the sight of a new message waiting for him on Instagram.

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Is it weird if I ask for your number?_

 

Ronan tossed his rag down on the workbench and breathed out a surprised laugh. He read it again.

 

 _It’s totally okay if you’d rather not give it out.  
_ _I just get a lot of messages on here and it’d be easier if I didn’t have to scroll to find you all the time._

 

There was nothing flirtatious or suggestive about the message. It made sense. But Ronan was drowning in images of Adam smiling just for him, the sound of his laughter, the tone of their conversation last night. He bit his lip to suppress a smile.

The more he read Adam’s message the more he saw the underlying truth of it. Adam’s inbox _was_ flooded with people who worshipped him, but this was him was singling Ronan out.

A different kind of heat warmed Ronan from the inside. He let his grin spread across his face as he typed his reply.

 

 _ **unguibus_et_rostro:** alternative solution:_  
_i_  
_try_  
_harder_  
_to_  
_flood_  
_your_  
_inbox_

 

Adam began typing almost immediately. He stopped and started a few times until, finally, his reply came through.

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _I can’t think of a way to not sound like an arrogant dickhead here, but I’d genuinely love to see you try._

 

Ronan laughed and his nerves melted away. He typed out his ten digit phone number and hit send, then sent along a middle finger emoji for good measure.

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Is that the contact name you want to be put under?_

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _sure, just hurry up and text me so i can put you in as “arrogant dickhead” before i forget_

 

Ronan’s work lay forgotten as he leaned against the workbench and waited for a response. When it didn’t come right away, he let his mind wander to the previous night. The first video and photo from Adam were still saved in their conversation, but all of the photos sent since then were the disappearing kind. He closed his eyes and tried to remember all the ways he’d seen Adam’s wide, cheery smile.

His phone vibrated on the workbench and his eyes flew open.

 

 **_718-425-2865:_ ** _Hi._

 

Ronan felt the shift in his reality like it was a physical event.

Adam was texting him.

 

 **_Ronan:_ ** _who’s this?_

 **_718-425-2865:_ ** _God, nevermind._

 

Ronan grinned and wondered if he would ever get to see the look of annoyance he knew he put on Adam’s face multiple times a day. The sound of tires on gravel alerted him to Noah’s arrival seconds before he heard Opal yell, “They’re here!”

He slipped his phone into his pocket, gave himself a moment to get his expression under control, and went out to greet them.

 

__________

 

The lake on Ronan’s property was located at the end of a neglected dirt road. It was too hot to comfortably make the long walk, so they all piled onto Ronan’s Kubota for a ride. Noah sat up front with Ronan while Opal and Andrew sat in the dump bed, yelling and laughing at every bump along the overgrown path.

When they arrived at the lake, Ronan parked under the shade of a large tree and he and Noah tried to contain the kids’ energy while they slathered them up in sunscreen and issued firm reminders about how far out they were allowed to swim. As soon as they were free to go, they took off at a sprint and raced to the edge of the water, running in until they collapsed and the water splashed up around their shoulders. The hot summer air filled with their laughter and shrieks about the freezing cold water.

Ronan was thankful he had changed into swim trunks. He settled onto the end of the dock next to Noah and stripped his shirt off, laying it out behind him and using it to cover his phone. He had texted Adam again and was trying not to be obvious about listening for a response. He squinted against the bright sun as it beat down on his skin and was silently grateful that it gave his face something to do besides smile like a complete idiot.

Opal and Andrew had already begun a contest to see who could hold their breath underwater the longest, and Noah watched them with a satisfied smirk on his face, swinging his feet back and forth in the cool water.

Eventually, Ronan’s curiosity got the best of him. “What?”

Noah’s eyes slid over to him, but the smirk stayed. “Hmm? Oh, I’m just waiting for you to tell me.”

Ronan was already squinting too hard to narrow his eyes any further, but he hoped he looked as annoyed as he felt. “Tell you what?”

“Don’t.” Noah raised an eyebrow in challenge, then looked back out towards the water where Opal and Andrew were splashing each other. “Opal mentions him every weekend. I’m trying to give you space and all that, but let’s not pretend I don’t already know.”

Ronan let out a careful breath. “What’s there to tell you?” He tried for casual. “We talk.”

It didn’t feel casual.

Noah kept his eyes focused on the kids laughing in the water. The challenge from a second ago was gone and his voice was soft. “You like him?”

The silence stretched between them while Ronan worried at his lower lip and looked out at the water. He brought a hand up to rub the back of his neck and was careful not to look at Noah. “He’s good-” he started.

When Noah waited without saying anything, he continued.

“He’s a really good person.”  

“That’s not what I was asking,” Noah said gently. “I trust you. I’m just curious about what’s going on in your head, that’s all.”

Ronan rubbed a hand over his face as if he could erase the flush on his cheeks that way. “That’s what I’m trying to get at,” he managed to get out. “He’s so good that it’s hard not to like him.” Saying it out loud only made his face feel warmer.

Noah smiled a genuine smile. He was still giving Ronan space by not looking at him, but he nudged Ronan’s knee with his own in a show of support. Ronan laughed quietly at how much he sounded like Opal when he said, “I’m proud of you,” in an encouraging, almost childlike voice.

Then, in the same voice, Noah said, “Long-distance relationships can be hard, but whenever you’re ready, I’m sure Gansey will have all kinds of helpful sexting tips for you.”

“Jesus Christ,” Ronan growled. “This is why I don’t tell you anything.” He pushed off the dock and slipped underwater, drowning out the sound of Noah’s hysterical laughter above.

 

__________

 

When Opal and Andrew had started complaining that they were hungry, they’d gone back to the house to change into dry clothes and make lunch.

As Ronan followed Opal inside he took note of her soaking wet t-shirt and shorts hanging heavy on her thin frame. When they entered the kitchen he slapped Noah’s shoulder with the back of his hand to get his attention, and once Opal was upstairs, he quietly asked, “Do you think I need to get her a real bathing suit?”

Noah hesitated, then asked, “What does she say about it?”

Ronan shrugged, pulling out ingredients for sandwiches and laying them out on the counter. “She’s never asked for one, but I’m sure it’d be easier and more comfortable, especially now that they want to go swimming every other weekend.”

Noah hummed in thought as he got to work making lemonade, then simply said, “I’d just ask her.”

A few minutes later they were ready to carry everything out to the old wooden picnic table under the big oak tree in the backyard. After Opal and Andrew rushed past them to get out the door first, Noah said, “Did Gansey tell you he’s thinking about proposing?”

Ronan stopped in the doorway with his tray of sandwiches. “He’s what?”

Noah nodded.

“I thought they weren’t about the _institution of marriage,_ ” Ronan said, trying to wrap his mind around the idea.

Noah laughed merrily. “Yeah, and I thought you weren’t looking for anyone, but I guess we’re all full of surprises, aren’t we?” He stepped out of reach just in time to avoid the kick Ronan aimed toward the back of his legs.

Noah happily explained everything Gansey had told him in his last email, but when he and Ronan reached the picnic table he fell quiet. Ronan silently thanked him with a nod. He didn’t need Opal to get any premature ideas about a wedding.

After everybody had settled in with their food, Noah turned to Opal. “Hey kid, what would you think about going shopping with Aunt Adele? She could pick out a swimsuit with you if you wanted.”

Before Opal could reply, Ronan interjected. “Or I could take you.”

Opal raised an eyebrow at him. “Sorry, Dad, but you don’t exactly have the best fashion taste.”

Ronan’s response was cut off by an outburst of giggles from Andrew. The boy immediately clapped a hand over his mouth, forcing his face into a more serious expression. Ronan’s mouth twitched as he recognized the desire to seem cool around the adults.

Opal was already asking Noah when Adele could take her, and she seemed genuinely excited about the idea, so Ronan decided to let it go.

His phone vibrated.

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _This isn’t fair, you know that right?_

 

Ronan blinked.

It said Adam was replying to his story, but he hadn’t shared a story in a few days. He clicked the thumbnail and it brought up a video from an hour ago.

He had been taking turns lifting Opal and Andrew out of the water and tossing them as high as he could, each time creating an even bigger splash than before. They had been laughing so hard that he hadn’t noticed Noah using his phone to record them.

In this video, he had just finished tossing them for the last time and they were both clinging onto him like terrible monkeys, scrambling for purchase as if he would agree to throw them again if they could only make it into his arms first. He had peeled them off as much as he could while he slowly made his way out of the water. Without the water supporting them, they dangled from his arms and eventually collapsed onto the shore in a heap of laughter as he shook them off. Ronan himself was laughing breathlessly.

 

 **_unguibus_et_rostro:_ ** _im going to kill noah_

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Before you do, tell him I said thanks._

 

Ronan shot Noah a cold stare across the table. Noah immediately broke out into laughter. “What? I’m just being a good wingman.”

Ronan grumbled, “I didn’t ask you to be my wingman.”

“What’s a wingman?” Opal looked at them curiously.

Before Noah could open his mouth again, Ronan exhaled and said, “A wingman is someone who tries to convince somebody else to go out with their friend.”

Opal grimaced. “That’s dumb. I wouldn’t want to date somebody who had to be convinced to date me.”

“Exactly,” Ronan cast a meaningful glance at Noah.

Noah raised his hands in mock surrender. “Fine, fine, I’m officially staying out of your business. But I could still use a wingman when I go out on the weekends,” he said with a grin. Ronan rolled his eyes.

Opal asked, “Wait… Dad, why do you need a wingman? Are you finally trying to get Adam to date you?”

Ronan said, “Jesus Christ, I don’t need a wingman,” at the same time Andrew asked, “Who’s Adam?”

Ronan closed his eyes and took a steadying breath. He had tried being vulnerable with Noah earlier, but he wasn’t good at being the center of attention like this. Noah stood up from the picnic table and nodded to Opal. “Hey, what do you say we go call Adele and see when she’s free to take you shopping?”

As Opal trailed along happily after Noah, Andrew repeated his question. “Is Adam a boy you like?”

Ronan nodded. It was easier to admit it one-on-one to a twelve year old.

Andrew was noticeably more comfortable around Ronan since spending the morning together at the lake. Now he leaned his elbow on the table and rested his head in his hand while looking up at him with innocent curiosity. “Does that mean you’re gay?”

Ronan nodded again and took a bite of his sandwich. “Super gay.”

Andrew seemed to think on that for a minute, then he said, “I like girls.”

Ronan nodded once again. “That’s cool.” This was the longest conversation he’d ever had with Andrew and he wasn’t sure where to take it. _Girls are gross_ seemed like the wrong thing to say, so he decided to worry about finishing his lunch instead.

Thankfully Opal came running back a few minutes later, talking excitedly about her phone call with Adele. Noah followed behind her and when he met Ronan’s eyes he mouthed, “Sorry.”

Ronan rolled his eyes in response, but he couldn’t help the hint of a smile on his face.

 

__________

 

Adam was thankful he had gotten up the courage to ask Ronan for his number when he had. If he’d waited until after he had watched this video, he might have chickened out forever.

It was… overwhelming.

He didn’t know what to do with this new image of Ronan. Every photo he’d seen up to this point was part of a carefully cultivated image, one that said Ronan was closed-off, mysterious, and out of reach. Even the photos Ronan had sent last night were dark, only showing part of his face.

It wasn’t as if Adam thought he was always serious; he’d become well-acquainted with his ridiculous sense of humor over the past several weeks, but this felt different.

This was a glimpse of Ronan unguarded, and he was beautiful.

It wasn’t just about his perfectly sculpted body glistening in the sun, either, although Adam’s mouth went dry at the sight of it and he had to replay the video twice before he was able to focus on anything else. There was something else, something underneath his physical beauty. There was a lightness to Ronan he hadn’t seen before. Through the laughter in the video, Adam could hear him grumble, “Get the fuck off me,” but there was no heat in his words, and he was laughing even as he tried to shake the kids loose. It was clear how much they loved him. Adam’s chest ached as he watched the underlying gentleness in Ronan’s movements, the quiet way he made sure they wouldn’t have to drop too far once he loosened their grip. Adam could see in his laughter-filled smile how much he loved them too.

He could feel himself slipping, and he was nearly dizzy with it.

 

__________

 

At first, Adam had reasoned with himself that exchanging phone numbers was merely a matter of convenience, but as time went on and his conversations with Ronan continued to grow into something more, he let himself admit the truth. He had just wanted Ronan closer. He had wanted it ever since he’d seen that first photo of him in the lake.

Now, by some miracle, no matter where Adam was, or what he was doing, Ronan was there.

He could be standing in the middle of another potential apartment, trying to envision his life playing out in the empty rooms, and Ronan would be there asking about the studio space. He could be getting lunch at his new favorite cafe around the corner from Blue’s apartment, and Ronan would be there begging him for a pastry. He could be curled up on the couch with his computer, working away on his book, and Ronan would be there… just to be there.

At this point, their conversations were woven so deeply into the fabric of Adam’s everyday life that trying to imagine it any other way felt impossibly empty. He hadn’t realized how lonely he’d been until, one day, he wasn’t anymore.

 

__________

 

 **_Ronan:_ ** _i’ll give u one jelly bean if you finish drafting this part before noon_ _  
_

**_Adam:_ ** _Hmm. What flavor?_ _  
_

**_Ronan:_ ** _licorice_ _  
_

**_Adam:_ ** _No deal. Think I’ll watch cat videos instead._ _  
_

**_Ronan:_ ** _come on man, you said yourself you wanted to get this done before lunch. that’s the best motivational trick i’ve got_ _  
_

**_Adam:_ ** _Well, it’s not a very good one. If I wanted jelly beans, I’d go buy jelly beans and eat them. And I’d skip the licorice ones._ _  
_

**_Ronan:_ ** _fine i guess i’ll just have to stop talking to you until you send proof of your finished work_ _  
_

**_Adam:_ ** _Very funny. My editor would love you._ _  
_

**_Adam:_ ** _You’re not serious._ _  
_

**_Adam:_ ** _Ronan?_

 

__________

 

 **_Ronan:_ ** _its funny and you know it_

 **_Adam:_ ** _I’m starting to question my decision to give you my number._ _  
_

**_Ronan:_ ** _you mean ur decision to beg me for my number_ _  
_

**_Adam:_ ** _Please, you haven’t seen me beg._  
_Jesus Christ, that came out wrong._

 **_Ronan:_ ** _was there a way for that to come out right?_  
_listen im not saying youre weird for turning a conversation about memes into a sexual thing_  
_just know im judging you a little bit right now_

 **_Adam:_ ** _For the third time in this incredibly brief and terrible conversation: fuck you._

 

__________

 

_**Ronan:** yeah i still catch myself thinking like that sometimes even though im good now _

_**Adam:** Exactly. I still hear my therapist’s voice in my ear whenever my anxiety starts getting bad. _  
  
_**Ronan:** “adam you’re catastrophizing” _  
  
_**Adam:** Put that on my tombstone. _  
  
_**Ronan:** better yet, i’ll etch a picture of that dog sitting in the burning building saying “i’m fine”_  
  
_**Adam:** Honestly, that would work, too. _  
_Who would win, absolute panic or utter dissociation?_  
  
_**Ronan:** idk but the winner gets to fight violently self-destructive coping mechanisms_

 _ **Adam:** Do you ever just think, “I’m really glad no normal people are seeing this conversation right now?” _  
  
_**Ronan:** i don’t know any normal people_

 _ **Adam:** And here we have the crowd favorite, self-isolation. _  
  
_**Ronan:** you know, its a little less fun when you call me out on something im still kinda bad at _  
  
_**Adam:** Hahaha, I’m sorry. If it helps, I’m not great at it either. _

_**Ronan:** hey adam i dont know if you know this but you’re literally famous_  
  
_**Adam:** I literally have two friends I actually talk to on a regular basis. Three, if I count you._  
****

_**Ronan:** well shit_  
_i sure hope you’re counting me_  
_how much more “regular basis” can it get, you text me every morning_

 _ **Adam:** That’s not true._  
_You texted me this morning._

_**Ronan:** i saw a cute bird, that doesn’t count _

_**Adam:** You’re pathetic. It’s kind of adorable. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're halfway there folks! i'm sticking to that slow burn tag like my life depends on it, but let's just say... things r finally gonna start happening.
> 
> please let me know what you think!! your feedback has been so encouraging so far & i can't thank you all enough. <3 (i also can't thank @admlynch enough for being such a helpful beta!!)
> 
> i'll probably be yelling about the next chapter on [tumblr](http://neveronceintoit.tumblr.com) for a while. it's been the hardest one to write so far but i'm finally doing it so wish me luck! thank you all for reading!!


	8. Chapter 8

_**Adam:** Quick, what’s a good excuse for getting out of a social engagement tonight?_  
_And by social engagement I mean I’m being forced to go to a nightclub._  
****

_**Ronan:** aren’t you working on your book?_

_**Adam:** Yeah, but that won’t work as an excuse, they already think I’m a workaholic._  
_And I was sick last weekend, so that’s out._  
  
_**Ronan:** ok here’s what you do_  
_adopt a kid and then say you can’t find a babysitter_  
  
_**Adam:** You might be a terrible person. _

_**Ronan:** you’re just now figuring this out? _  
_fine, no kid._  
_nothing to wear? sudden existential crisis?_  
  
_**Adam:** Hmm, yeah, I kind of unwittingly used existential crisis too much in college, so that one might backfire and get me dragged out of the house twice as fast._  
  
_**Ronan:** i see _  
_so you need something that says “i don’t feel up to hanging out” but without getting into “you should be worried about me, please come hover around my apartment” territory_  
  
_**Adam:** ...Exactly. How did you know?_  
  
_**Ronan:** i have one of those friends too _  
_im telling you, adopting a kid would do the trick_  
  
_**Adam:** You know what, maybe I should say I’m busy educating a friend on how to not suck as a human being._  
  
_**Ronan:** or maybe you could go out and have fun and work on isolating yourself less_  
  
_**Adam:** Okay, you were right, it’s not that fun when you call me out on things I’m bad at._  
  
_**Ronan:** go have fun loser :)_  
_i'll talk to you later_

 

__________

 

Adam’s head was pounding uncomfortably under the beat of the music and his eyes felt strained under the flashing lights. He ran his thumb along the condensation on his glass and tried to resist the urge to text Ronan.

 _Go have fun,_ he’d said.

It had been fun for the first forty-five minutes, back when Henry was beginning to get tipsy and was clinging to Adam like his life depended on it. Henry’s sense of humor always kicked it up a notch when he had a drink in him, and it was easier for Adam to feel like he belonged here when he was busy laughing at his friend’s antics. He’d even let Henry take a series of obnoxious, half-drunk selfies on his phone, hoping it would keep him around longer. Eventually, though, Henry got tired of sitting still and traipsed off to join his friends on the dance floor, leaving Adam alone at the bar.

It didn’t take long for someone to take Henry’s spot. A man with light brown hair and smiling eyes leaned into Adam’s space to be heard over the music. “First time here?”

Adam wondered if his discomfort was written that plainly on his face. He plastered on a polite smile and gave a small nod.

The man smiled knowingly, inching closer. “Can I get you a drink?”

Adam lifted his soda. “I don’t drink.”

The man didn’t look discouraged. “How about a dance, then?”

Adam felt himself squirming under the man’s unwavering gaze. He turned to scan the crowd for a glimpse of Henry. From where he sat, the crowd looked like some kind of psychedelic writhing monster with hundreds of flailing arms and legs. How anyone could think this was fun was beyond him. Weighing his options quickly, Adam stood with a quiet sigh and gave the man an apologetic shrug. “I’m here with someone,” he lied, “Gonna go find him.” It was hard to think straight with this level of sensory overload, but walking around trying to find Henry seemed like a better option than sitting still and letting some creep stare at him from two inches away.

He had to remind himself to keep breathing every time someone bumped into him, but he eventually spotted Henry in the midst of the crowd. He looked like he was having the time of his life. His head was thrown back in laughter, and lights flashed, red, purple, and pink against his skin. His billowy golden shirt had come untucked from his tight black pants and now it swirled around him like it was made of liquid. A pair of hands slid up and down his torso, slipping under the edge of his shirt, and Adam’s attention flickered to the man he was dancing with. White blonde hair fell in perfectly styled curls as the man leaned in to say something in Henry’s ear. It was hard to tell under the changing lights, but Adam thought he saw a streak of glittering blue paint on the man’s face.

A smile tugged at Adam’s lips. Of course Henry had latched onto the second most dramatic looking man in the room. They looked like a pair of colorful birds.

Adam was making his way through the crowd, but he stilled when he saw Henry lean back into the man and leave a trail of lingering kisses up the side of his neck, hands roaming as their bodies moved in perfect rhythm.

Adam’s smile slowly faded as he looked on, feeling dazed and more weary than he had a moment ago. The room had gone soft and a strange ache was spreading behind his ribcage.  

He turned back toward the bar to wait out the rest of the night alone.

__________

 

Henry was breathless and glistening when he appeared at the bar half an hour later. He leaned his elbows on the bar next to Adam and said, “You okay to find your own ride home tonight? I think I’m gonna stay a while.”

Adam was grateful that he was now free to leave whenever he wanted, but he wasn’t sure he should abandon Henry just yet. He glanced back at the dance floor and raised his eyebrow in a silent question.

Henry smiled sheepishly. “I like him,” he said with an easy shrug.

Adam shook his head and laughed. “You say that every time.”

“No,” Henry corrected, “I say ‘he’s hot’ every time.” He cast a lingering glance back toward the dance floor. “I think I really like him.”

Adam was about to argue, _how can you really like him when you’ve only just met?_ but his thoughts led him back to a photo of a beautiful man half-submerged in a pond, with wet shoulders and burning eyes. He chewed at his lower lip, feeling warm again at the memory of it.

He shook his head to clear his mind and asked, “How much have you had to drink? Do the guys still know where you are?”

Henry rolled his eyes. “I’m fine, Adam. I’ve only had a few drinks and look-” he pointed toward the dance floor, “-the guys won’t leave him alone.” Sure enough, the group of friends Henry had met up with earlier were laughing and dancing with the blonde man like he was an original member of their group.

Adam grinned and waved a hand at Henry to shoo him away. “Good luck, then.”

Henry flashed a wide smile as he retreated. He shouted, “I’ll text you later,” and melted back into the crowd.

 

__________

 

It was late when Adam returned to the apartment. He immediately sent a text sarcastically thanking Ronan for encouraging him to go out and have fun tonight, then he stripped off his nice-looking, restrictive clothes and pulled on an old pair of grey sweatpants. He didn’t know why Henry kept insisting that going out was the best way to have a good time when it involved constant noise, strangers touching you, and having to wear tight clothes in a room heated by hundreds of sweaty bodies. It must work for some people, otherwise the clubs wouldn’t be so crowded, but to Adam it was a recipe for feeling a hundred times more isolated than when he was actually alone in his apartment, talking to Ronan.

The image of Henry dancing with the blonde man flickered across Adam’s memory, taunting him with the knowledge that some people had the person they wanted _right in front of them._

He fell back onto his bed with a sigh.

He was too tired to do anything but too restless to sleep, and Ronan hadn’t texted back yet.

His eyes caught on the book sitting on his nightstand. He and Ronan had traded recommendations a few nights ago, and he’d picked it up from the local library right away, eager to see if it might give him another glimpse into Ronan’s mind. Tonight he was full of the restless desire to pick it up and read the whole thing in one sitting.

Curling up on his side, he reached for the book and let it fall open to the first page.

 

__________

 

Ronan took his time in the shower, letting the hot water unlock the tension in his muscles after a long night working in one of the barns. He knew Adam wouldn’t be home yet, so he didn’t feel the need to rush through his shower and check his phone like he usually did.

Not long after Adam first started texting him, Ronan had figured out how to set a passcode on his phone to keep Opal from prying. It wasn’t that he was worried about her stumbling across anything _explicit,_ necessarily, it was just that what he shared with Adam was so vulnerable and unfiltered that he wanted to keep it to himself.

He had never felt anything like this before. It had only been a couple of hours since Adam had left for the club, but Ronan was already impatient to hear from him again. If he was honest with himself, part of the reason he was taking so long in the shower was to keep himself from becoming a clingy stereotype and sending Adam a text just to see how he was doing. If he couldn’t last one night without talking to Adam, he was in bigger trouble than he thought.

When the water finally started to lose its heat, Ronan toweled himself off and rummaged through his drawers for a pair of boxers before settling into bed for the night. He was warm and relaxed from the long shower, his mind calm and ready for sleep.

He unlocked his phone to check for new messages, and when there weren't any he went to the Instagram app to look for a mindless distraction instead.

A hint of interest sparked when he saw that Adam had shared a new story.

The first photo was nothing, just a selfie of an attractive man with tall hair and an obnoxious gold shirt. Going by his appearance, he was probably someone Adam knew from modeling.

Ronan tapped through to the next photo.

A strange heaviness settled in his stomach as he took it all in. The man had draped himself all over Adam like he had every right to be there. Gaudy rings adorned his fingers and his loose shirt hung open, revealing a perfectly toned chest. His appearance was so dramatic that it took Ronan a moment to focus on Adam. Then, there he was, leaning into the man’s embrace like - like he _belonged_ there. Their faces were pressed together, smiling brightly. Adam looked like he’d been laughing. Ronan’s chest hurt.

Against his better judgment, he allowed the next photo to load.

The sight of the man pressing a sloppy kiss to the side of Adam’s radiantly happy face sent a hot spike of something like embarrassment or shame coursing through Ronan’s entire body. He felt too warm, too big for his skin, too rough around the edges, too-

He read the caption.

 

_reunited with babe <3_

 

Adam Parrish was untouchable. Adam Parrish was so far out of his league it was a wonder he even acknowledged Ronan’s presence.

He had _known_ this.

His eyes squeezed shut and a tense breath escaped his lips. His mind rapidly filtered through memories of how this all began, desperate to see if he could remember why he had ever thought this would be a good idea.

_No possibility for anything more than conversation. No risk. No pain._

Back then, the sheer impossibility of Adam had been the only thing strong enough to quiet Ronan’s fear of letting him get too close. The fact that he was always going to remain safely out of reach was the magic key that unlocked the door to their constant, effortless communication. By now, Adam knew him better than almost anyone, and Ronan knew exactly why that had been allowed to happen.

He just didn’t know where he’d gone wrong. When did he start letting himself forget that he could never have someone like Adam? He’d let the ease of their friendship blind him to reality, and now, thanks to his defenseless heart, he was left with the painful awareness of just how badly he wanted more but would never have it. He felt the truth of it rub against him like he was made of nothing but raw, exposed nerves.

His phone vibrated in his hands.

Ronan blinked to clear his eyes. The familiar rush of excitement he felt at seeing Adam’s name on the screen was quickly choked out by a growing sense of dread.

  
  
_**Adam:** Thanks so much for talking me into going out tonight. You wouldn’t believe the amazing time I had._

  
  
Ronan stared at the words. His mind was still spinning out, trying to organize the painful pieces of this new reality into something that made sense, something he could live with, and this message wasn’t helping.

He threw off his blankets, climbed out of bed, and pushed open his bedroom window. With a steadying breath, he climbed over the windowsill and stepped out onto the flat section of the roof, just like the one he’d had outside his old childhood bedroom. He sat, leaning back against the house, and let the night sounds surround him with their calming rhythm. The night was warm, but the breeze was already calming his flushed skin.

Above him, stars flickered in and out of hazy clouds and off in the distance, a cow made a low, mournful sound.

He breathed in, held it, and let it out slowly.

This was still his spot. Out of all the things he’d tried to recreate from his childhood home, this was the one that felt the most like it had when he was a kid and everything was simple. Down below, the porch light cast a soft yellow glow on the backyard. It was littered with Opal’s things, the old picnic table, an ATV parked under the oak tree. In the distance, past the flickering lights of the first fireflies of the season, he could make out the shapes of the sheds and barns that would be visible from here in the daylight. He loved everything about this place. He wondered what Adam would think of it if he were here.

His breath caught.

_Stop. Just stop._

Ronan pulled out his phone and opened his last conversation with Noah. He wasn’t sure he wanted to sit alone with his thoughts all night, and Noah was always up late on the weekends anyway. Maybe he could tell him how stupid he was being and make him go to sleep. Maybe he could distract him from this pulsing, angry pain behind his ribcage.

 

 ** _Ronan:_ ** _hey u up?_

 

 

 **_Ronan:_ ** _can you call me when u get this_

 

 

 **_Ronan:_ ** _i just need to talk to somebody_

 

__________

 

Ronan woke feeling overheated, stiff, and in a terrible mood. His muscles ached as he pushed himself into a sitting position on the roof and squinted against the warm morning sunlight. He didn’t remember falling asleep, only waiting for a call from Noah that never came. He checked his phone to see if he had missed a message from him in his sleep, but there was nothing.

With a groan, he pushed himself up off the roof and climbed back through his window with stiff joints. Opal would be awake and hungry soon.

 

Their special Saturday breakfast was quieter than normal that morning. Ronan tried not to let his sour mood ruin Opal’s fun, but he hadn’t slept well and, more importantly, he hadn’t made any progress in figuring out what to do about his feelings for Adam. He needed to talk to Noah, but his best friend had apparently decided that _right now_ was a good time to go off the grid.  

When breakfast was finished and Opal was waiting by the front window, dressed and ready to go, Ronan began to wonder. Noah was supposed to be here by now to take her to the library, but he still hadn’t texted.

Opal’s worry was written all over her face. “What’s taking him so long?”

Ronan shook his head, trying to seem unconcerned by Noah’s radio silence. “Don’t worry, kid. I’ll take you if he’s too busy.”

He dialed Noah’s number and waited.

“Mm, yeah?” Noah’s groggy voice answered.

Ronan let out a relieved breath. “Hey, you okay? Opal’s wondering if you’re still coming today.”

“Hmm? Oh, shit! Ow, okay, see-” Noah groaned and the sounds on the other end of the line were muffled for a moment. “I’m good, I’m good, I just - I mean, clearly don’t tell Opal this, but I’m hungover as _shit,_ man. I had such a good time last night, there was this guy, and I lost track of time…”

Ronan’s concern vanished and was instantly replaced by irritation. He wasn’t the mood to be reminded, yet again, how everyone else had apparently enjoyed a wonderful evening of getting drunk and hooking up, while he’d passed out alone on his roof like some kind of miserable, lovesick asshole. “That’s great, are you coming today or should I just take her?”

Noah sounded distant for a moment, then said, “Shit, hey, I just saw your texts, is everything okay? I’m sorry I missed you, what’s going on?”

Ronan closed his eyes and focused on breathing. He certainly wasn’t in the mood to divulge the whole Adam situation right now, and besides, Opal was still sitting there watching him. He tried to keep his voice even. “I’m fine, we can talk later, I just need to know if I should take Opal to the library, that’s all.”

After a pause, Noah answered, “Yeah, no, I’m coming. I don’t have to pick Andrew up today, he’s busy, so I can be there in half an hour. I just need a shower first. Is that okay? Tell Opal I’m sorry I slept in.”

“Yeah, that’s fine, I’m sure she’ll forgive you. See you soon.” Ronan hung up and slid his phone into his pocket, ignoring a new text from Adam. He already knew what it would say.  _Good morning. :)_

When Opal heard that Noah was still coming, her face lit up and she ran outside to wait for him. Alone in the silence of the kitchen, Ronan crossed his arms on the table and let his head fall forward, resting. Breathing. Waiting. The pain in his chest had settled into a dull ache over the course of the morning, but now… now he was thinking about opening Adam’s text, thinking about starting another conversation that would last all day and night.

He breathed in slowly and asked himself, _is that really a good idea?_

The pain shot up like a freshly stoked fire, and he took that as his answer.

 

__________

 

Adam wandered toward his favorite corner of the library. He loved that it was out of the way of the more public areas, and he loved that there was a seat right next to a large window, giving him a peaceful view of the library’s garden.

He hadn’t planned on staying today, he had only come to return the book Ronan had recommended, but once he was here it was too easy to start wandering the shelves.

When he’d come across a collection of works from his favorite poet it had put a small, private smile on his face. Ronan’s book had been painfully dull, not at all what he’d been expecting, and now he felt the need to read something else to help erase it from his memory. Part of him wanted to text Ronan and scold him for suggesting such a terrible book, but he still hadn’t gotten a response to his last two messages, so he made up his mind to settle into his chair by the window and get lost in old familiar poems instead.

 

 _trust your heart_  
_if the seas catch fire_  
_(and live by love_  
_though the stars walk backward)_  
_honour the past_  
_but welcome the future_  
_(and dance your death_  
_away at the wedding)_

 

The sound of childlike laughter drew his eyes upward, curious to see who had ventured into his private corner of the library.

A father and daughter stood together at the far end of the nearby shelves, their heads ducked in an attempt to contain their laughter. They were obviously a pair, with the man’s messy blonde curls and the girl’s wild, nearly-white bedhead. Even their clothing seemed to match, with his multicolored windbreaker and her rainbow-striped shorts. Adam smiled, the sight of them reminding him of Ronan and his daughter, and then of Henry and the man he’d danced with last night. Love was coming off them in waves, and lately, it seemed that love was everywhere he looked. Maybe he had reason to hope it would show up in his own life soon. A nameless feeling tugged at the back of his mind, replaying the words, _trust your heart, welcome the future._

His thoughts were interrupted again by the little girl’s giggles as she pulled a book from the shelves and read the title aloud. “You Are Old: Sobering Affirmations for Your Rapidly Disappearing Life.”

The girl's father laughed, shaking his head. “You are terrible.”

The girl said, “Come on, what dad _wouldn’t_ want to read this book to their kid before bed?”

The blonde man led her away, scolding her fondly through his laughter. Adam thought he heard the word “rascal,” and he laughed to himself as the pair disappeared around the corner. Watching such a joyful, wholesome interaction had left him feeling lighter.

With that light, warm feeling fluttering around in his chest, he reached for his phone to see if Ronan had messaged him back, tempted to text him again even if he hadn’t.

Instead, a notification for a new email caught his eye, displaying the beginning of the message.

 

 _Hey Adam!!_ _  
_ _Sooo… how would you feel about taking over my lease at the end of the summer? :) :) :)_

 

__________

 

  
Ronan fell back onto his bed with a heavy sigh. It had been one of the longest days he could remember, but now that it was over he could hardly remember what he had filled his time with. He had just been trying his hardest to keep his hands busy… trying his hardest to keep his mind off of Adam.  
  
It hadn’t worked.  
  
His mind had plagued him all day with alternating images of Adam, shirtless, smiling up at him with that mischievous sparkle in his eye, and Adam leaning into that other man’s embrace, leaning into his kiss.

He was angry, but he wasn’t angry with Adam. It wasn’t Adam’s fault that he had read too far into their friendship, that he had let himself want too much.

If he could only set aside the gaping wound he felt from knowing Adam didn’t want him back, he could still enjoy Adam’s perfect, easy friendship. If he could only figure out how to set up stronger boundary lines between them, they could still talk all the time.

If he could only stop thinking about Adam for more than five seconds at a time, maybe he would have a fighting chance at regaining some sense of normalcy in his heart. Maybe then he would be able to be Adam’s friend.

God, he needed a distraction.

The light on his phone blinked up at him. He had signed out of Instagram earlier, but he didn’t know if Adam would try to text him again once he realized Ronan wasn’t answering. He hoped he would. He prayed he wouldn’t.

To his disappointment and relief, he unlocked his phone and saw that the notification was from Gansey.

 

__________

 

 _Ronan,_  
  
_SHE SAID YES!_  
  
_I can’t actually believe it. I have so much to tell you._  
  
_SHE SAID YES!!!_  
  
_I didn’t even get to propose the way I told you about in my last email. We were just lying in the hammock the other night and we got to talking about the future, and I mean really talking. We had visited this place earlier in the week to meet with a colleague of mine, and it was so beautiful, Ronan. I’ll send you pictures so you’ll have an idea, but I’ve never seen anything like it. Apparently, Jane felt the same way, because during our conversation she mentioned that she wouldn’t mind having a wedding if she could have it there. She looked so content and happy lying there in my arms, talking about moving in together, talking about our wedding, Ronan, OUR WEDDING, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I got up out of the hammock and went over to our dresser and took out her ring right then. I probably should have gotten down on one knee, but I didn’t even think about that? I wasn’t really thinking about anything except how happy she looked. God, I can’t believe she said yes._

_We’re getting married here. In three weeks. We'll still have to make it legal once we get back to the states, but she doesn’t care about that, so neither do I. We’ll have a big reception back home later, but right now we want to do this our way, just for us._

_I know it’s crazy, I know it’s short notice, and I completely understand if it’s not possible for you, but I have to ask. You’re my best friend, you’ve been by my side for everything else. It would mean the world to me if you could be by my side for this, too._

_Ronan, will you be my best man?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to @itmakesyoulooklikealoser for betaing the first half of this chapter! i wrote the rest tonight after a few days of being super ill, so mistakes are mine (and i'm sure there are plenty.) 
> 
> the poem adam reads is "dive for dreams" by ee cummings, and the book opal pulls off the shelf is a real book by scott dikkers. i found it on google and the title made me laugh.
> 
> i would LOVE your feedback on this chapter! so far, this is the most nervous i've been posting an update. we're getting to my favorite part of the story! as always, thank you all SO much for the kudos, comments, and messages. you have all been so lovely!
> 
> (edit: i am still working on future chapters, but i'll be putting this on hiatus to help relieve my self-inflicted pressure to update regularly. health and work are taking a lot of energy right now, and so the story is coming slowly. i HOPE that when i start posting again, i will have weekly updates for you to wrap this up! i'm SO EXCITED to finish this. love you all & thanks for sticking with me! if you want, you can find me on tumblr @neveronceintoit.)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: abuse.  
> brief mention of a past abusive partner involving animal cruelty. i made it as brief as possible, but :(. always feel free to ask for the specific location of a potential trigger, and always feel free to ask me to tag anything i may have missed. i want this to be an enjoyable experience for everybody. <3 
> 
> also, fair warning, this chapter gets a bit, uhhh, angsty, but you all knew that was coming, right? it's taken me ages to write because 1) i'm afraid of ruining things with angst even when things NEED some angst, and 2) i'm currently experiencing some major life changes. it is my hope that i will have some happier chapters for you soon, but life is absolutely buckwild right now and i can't make any promises on a timeline. just know that i still spend a ridiculous amount of time daydreaming/planning out the rest of these chapters. 
> 
> thank you all so, so much for sticking with this story. it means the world to me! i love seeing your reactions to every chapter and i look forward to crushing your hearts with excessive amounts of love in the near future! 
> 
> feel free to yell at me over on tumblr @neveronceintoit

 

 **_Ronan:_ ** _go have fun loser :)_

_i'll talk to you later_

 

 **_Adam:_ ** _Thanks so much for talking me into going out tonight. You wouldn’t believe the amazing time I had._

 

__________

 

 **_Adam:_ ** _Good morning. :)_

 

__________

 

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _I wish you could have been here today. Henry was losing his mind over how “cute” this new guy is, and how amazing it is that he’s good with kids. Henry has never even wanted kids, but apparently this is something to gush about for 35 minutes straight because they would “make the cutest babies.”_ _  
_ _Anyway, at this rate the entire summer is going to be filled with weddings._

 

__________

 

 

 

 

 

 **_Adam:_ ** _Ronan? Is everything okay?_

 

 

 

 

 

__________

 

Glowing fireflies flickered around Ronan as he stepped off the back porch and into the dark night. He had tucked Opal in hours ago and now the house was too quiet. He couldn’t sit still any longer, he needed to move.

Nights were the hardest.

Even now, after weeks of trying to tame them, Ronan’s feelings for Adam were undeniable. Stubborn. Relentless. Even now, after weeks of practicing near perfect self-control, he wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and see that familiar name appear on the screen. On his weaker nights, he logged back into Instagram and scrolled through their old conversations, always coming back to the last video Adam had sent. Ten torturously beautiful seconds of his blissfully happy smile, his twinkling eyes, his warm laugh.

He was perfect.

He made Ronan’s chest ache.

He wanted someone else.

Now, instead of endless conversations where all they did was trade thinly-veiled ways to say _I want you closer,_ Ronan’s nights were filled with a heavy silence. He told himself the distance was easier than being constantly reminded of the closeness he couldn't have - the closeness Adam didn't truly want with him - but it didn’t feel easier. It felt like drowning.

Some small part of Ronan desperately wished he could just _go along_ with the flirting and the playful teasing even after realizing that Adam’s part in it all was disingenuous, but he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t figure out a way to ask Adam to stop, either. What would he say? _Hey, your fake flirting worked a little too well and I’m falling for you even though you’re dating another guy, which, as you can imagine, sucks ass, so if you could quit sending me sensual photos and pretending that’s a thing normal friends do, that’d be great._

Ronan stopped and sucked in a breath, trying to clear the vivid image of a shirtless, smiling Adam from his mind. He had reached the back barn without even realizing he’d been walking.

He let himself into the barn and headed toward Ella’s pen, speaking softly to let her know he was coming. She let out a small bleat and rose up on sleep-clumsy legs to seek out the sound of his voice. When he lowered himself down onto the fresh straw, she butted her head into his side until he helped her onto his lap. He stroked her back quietly as she settled on him, content.

He would only be away for Gansey’s wedding for the weekend, but he would miss this.

He would miss all of this - Opal, the farm, the animals - but part of him was grateful for the chance to get away, too. Everywhere he looked, there were reminders of Adam’s absence - even though Adam had never actually been here in the first place. It was almost as if Ronan’s feelings for Adam had tied him to every other thing he’d ever loved, and now he couldn't figure out how to break the connection.

Ronan was beginning to realize that it wasn’t necessarily Adam he needed distance from, it was his own feelings. He needed to learn to let go of old, misguided expectations. He needed to learn how to be okay with _just friends._ Because, as much as he missed the thrill of Adam’s light teasing, their conversations that bordered on suggestive, and photos that showed ungodly amounts of skin, that wasn’t all they shared. Underneath it all, Ronan missed their easy, comfortable friendship in a way that was too intense to dwell on for more than a second at a time.

By this time tomorrow, he would be halfway across the world, he told himself as he stroked Ella’s sleeping form.

A break, even for the weekend, might let him start breathing again.

 

__________

 

Opal was quiet the next morning as they made pancakes in the dimly lit kitchen, the sky outside slowly changing from purple to pink with the sunrise.  

Ronan knew she was still upset about having to miss Gansey’s wedding, but there was nothing he could have done about it; she didn’t have a passport and there wasn’t enough time to get her one. He had expected her to be more excited about staying with Adele and Andrew for the weekend, especially since Andrew had missed the last few weekends she’d spent with Noah, but her face was solemn as she stirred the pancake batter.

Ronan gave her a gentle nudge and wordlessly pulled a bag of chocolate chips down from the cupboard, setting it by the mixing bowl. She offered him a small smile, but her usual sparkle was gone. Ronan wondered belatedly if she might be preparing herself to miss him as much as he already missed her.

“It’s only a few days,” he said. “You’ll be so busy with Andrew, it’ll go by before you know it.”

She rolled her eyes, but Ronan could see that she was trying to blink away tears. Concern welled up in his chest.

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

She ducked her head and muttered, “Nothing.” When Ronan waited quietly instead of responding, she sighed. “Andrew doesn’t even want to hang out with me anymore.”

Ronan hesitated, processing the words. He hadn’t noticed that Andrew’s absence during her weekends with Noah had hurt her feelings, but now that she’d said it, it suddenly made sense. Ronan recalled that she hadn’t talked about Andrew for several days now. He put his finger under her chin and gently lifted her face up to make eye contact. “Hey, kid. Did Andrew _tell_ you he doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore?”

She rolled her watery eyes again. “No, but it’s kind of obvious.”

“Why is it obvious? You haven’t hung out with Uncle Dick in ages, but you know he still loves you, right?”

A hint of a smile twitched on her face. She sniffled. “Well, duh.”

“Okay, so maybe Andrew just had some other stuff going on. You won’t know unless you talk to him. Why don’t you grab my phone and send him a message, see what he says before we head over there. Okay?”

Opal nodded, collecting herself with a series of sniffles, and pushed the bowl of pancake batter towards Ronan. For the next few minutes, she concentrated on typing out her message while he poured batter into the hot skillet.

 

 **_Ronan:_ ** _hi andrew its opal where have you been? you missed some realy funny stuff with uncle noah last time he fell on his butt skateboarding do you want to play video games when i come over today i can make my dad buy some candy on our way to your house_

 

Breakfast went smoothly after that, with Opal allowing herself to get distracted by the countless questions she still had about Ronan’s trip. He answered them all, grateful for the distraction, himself.

It wasn’t long before they had eaten breakfast, cleaned up, and finished taking care of a few final things around the house. Just as Ronan locked the front door behind them, his phone vibrated. He had been letting the battery stay dead lately, but it was freshly charged for his trip. Apparently, his self-imposed break from Adam Parrish hadn’t done its job, because he still felt that familiar rush of warmth course through his body at the _idea_ of a text message.

He glanced at his phone long enough to confirm what the rational part of his brain had suspected: it was only a reply from Andrew. He tossed the phone to Opal before jogging down the porch steps and heading toward the BMW. He threw their bags in the trunk and slammed it shut. How the mere _thought_ of talking to Adam could still send his heart racing was beyond him. At this rate, it would take him several years to be able to resume their friendship, and by then Adam would have forgotten about him entirely.

Opal caught up to Ronan as he sunk into the driver's seat. She handed him his phone with the screen still displaying Andrew’s texts, and from the look on her face, he guessed it had gone well.

 

 _ **Adele:** hey opal i wish i could have seen that but i had to miss it for soccer lol uncle noah is so dumb sometimes_  
_my mom told me your coming over soon i cant wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_  
_i made her let me get that new game so we can play it ive been saving it this whole time im dying_  
_oh and tell your dad to get extra candy im having a growth spurt lol_

 

Ronan laughed.  “See, aren’t you glad you tried to communicate? Now you better hurry up and say goodbye to Ella if you want me to stop and buy candy, you little brat.”

 

__________

 

Ronan watched from the BMW as Opal came bounding out of the barn. One of the caretakers responsible for looking after the animals while they were gone watched her leave with a wide smile. Opal had befriended every single employee of Cabeswater Sanctuary over the last five years. She turned and waved her goodbyes, shouting something Ronan couldn’t hear from inside the car, then the door swung open and she landed in the back seat with a breathless sound.

Her dramatic shift in mood compared to earlier in the morning had been eating at Ronan’s thoughts since breakfast, right alongside his ever present, infuriating desire to throw reason aside and _call Adam right now, goddamnit._

His own words from breakfast kept running though his mind. _You won’t know unless you talk to him._

He chewed his lip. He would be in another country by tonight. He turned his phone over in his hands. He hadn’t actually _talked_ to Adam about the whole model boyfriend thing. Maybe it would be totally fine if Ronan simply said, “Hey, if you’re dating someone, I’d be more comfortable if we stopped the flirting.” That was safe enough to say, right? Nowhere in that sentence would he have to reveal his painfully unrequited feelings, and then maybe they could try a normal friendship.

Possibility was beginning to take shape in the corner of Ronan’s mind. He could almost reach out and touch it.

Opal shifted impatiently in the back seat. “Come on, Dad! You said we had to hurry if we wanted candy.”

Ronan grunted his acknowledgement, but didn’t move. A strange sense of urgency crawled under his skin, making him feel like if he didn’t take this chance right now, he might lose his courage, and his friendship with Adam, for good. He pulled up their text conversation and stared at the last message, sent over two weeks ago.

 

 **_Adam:_ ** _Ronan? Is everything okay?_

 

Possible replies swirled in his mind until Opal’s restless kicking in the back seat reminded him that really did need to hurry; he had a plane to catch. Unthinking, he picked the nearest reply out of the air and typed it quickly, fingers trembling.

 

 **_Ronan:_ ** _hey_

 

Shit. _Hey._ What a stupid thing to say. It had been weeks, for Christ’s sake. He couldn’t just say, “Hey,” and leave it at that. Why had he hit send? He could have typed up a whole draft and looked it over for mistakes while waiting to board his flight. Now he needed to keep talking, or risk looking like an even bigger asshole.

 

 **_Ronan:_ ** _sorry, i’ve been busy_

 

Goddamnit.

He tossed his phone into the passenger seat and threw the BMW into drive, flying down the gravel driveway, forcing his pounding heart to take a backseat to the familiar roar of the engine and the cloud of dust billowing up behind them.

When he reached the end of the drive, he slowed to a stop. His breathing was uneven as he weighed his options. He could pretend nothing had happened, or he could finally do the right thing and try to clear things up with Adam. His thumbs tapped out a nervous rhythm on the steering wheel. He reached for his phone.

 

 **_Ronan:_ ** _ok thats not true, i haven’t been busy. i just haven’t felt like talking. i’m sorry. if its ok with you i’d like to talk soon_

 

His fingers hovered. He typed, _i’ve missed you._ He exhaled slowly. He erased it.

He knew, logically, that it was a thing friends could say to one another, but to him it felt about as natural as being naked on a stage. He had no right to say it, anyway. He couldn’t ask Adam to stop flirting with him if he was just going to start confessing how much he ached for him when they were apart. This whole thing was a mistake. He didn’t know how to be _partially honest_ with Adam. He wanted to go back in time and stop himself from saying anything at all.

Behind him, Opal said, “Dad?”

He drove.

 

__________

 

Opal was out of the car the moment Ronan slowed to a stop in Adele’s driveway. He called after her to wait as he walked around to the trunk, knowing he’d never get a real goodbye out of her once she disappeared inside with Andrew and his video games.

With her backpack slung over one arm, he pulled her in for a tight hug. He reminded her to mind her manners, and she made him promise, again, to give Uncle Gansey and Aunt Jane the wedding gift she’d made for them.

He leaned down to press a kiss to the top of her head. “I’ll miss you.”

She smiled up at him. “It’ll go by fast.”

A wave of sentimental memories crashed into him, flashing images of a five-year old Opal across his vision. He saw her laughing so hard she couldn’t stop, saw her looking for him in the middle of the night when her nightmares woke her up yet again, saw her covered in mud and holding an earthworm carefully in the palm of her tiny, chubby hand. She was, without a doubt, the best risk he had ever taken, and she was growing up before his eyes. A strange feeling pinched behind his ribs.

He held on until Andrew came running outside with his new video game and Opal squirmed out of his arms to show off her family-size bag of candy. Adele came to the door to greet them and usher the kids inside, and Ronan thanked her again for letting Opal stay the weekend. She shook her head like he was talking nonsense, reminding him again that she loved Opal and was happy to help. They had spoken on the phone a couple of times over the past few weeks, and her sweet, gentle personality always reminded him of his mother. He wouldn’t have felt this comfortable leaving Opal with anyone else.

Noah came to the door with his phone held between his cheek and shoulder. He pressed a distracted kiss to Adele’s cheek and slapped Ronan on the shoulder as he passed, walking directly to the BMW. Before he settled into the passenger seat and slammed the door, Ronan could hear the distinct sound of flirting. He sighed. This was going to be a long drive.

 

__________

 

The closer they got to the airport, the more traffic slowed. Ronan punched buttons on the radio, trying to distract himself from Noah’s terrible conversation with his new boyfriend. The conversation topic itself was one Ronan actually cared about under normal circumstances; he liked hearing Noah get all worked up about his summer swim team kids, and right now Noah was talking about their upcoming meet. The thing that made it unbearable was the tone of voice he was using; sickly sweet and affectionate, punctuated with soft laughter.

It was too familiar.

Ronan turned onto the road that lead to the airport, and Noah finally ended the call.

“Welcome back to planet Earth.”

Noah laughed. “Oh, shut it. You’re just jealous my boyfriend is hotter than yours.”

Ronan clenched his jaw and looked for signs that would tell him where to go. He still hadn’t told Noah that he and Adam were no longer talking, and he certainly wasn’t going to bring it up now, minutes before saying goodbye _._ Noah had kept good on his promise to stay out of Ronan’s business, and after Ronan had recovered from his pathetic night alone on the roof he had decided he would prefer to maintain a shred of dignity about the whole thing, and so he was no longer interested in talking about any of it.

Noah apparently misinterpreted his silence, because he leaned over with his phone. “Do you see this gorgeous man? He’s unreal.”

Ronan pulled up to the curb and shifted into park without so much as glancing Noah’s way. “You don’t have to Google some male model to try to one-up me. I already know he’s uglier than Adam and prettier than you.” He stepped out of the car and walked around to the back, yanking the trunk open. Saying Adam’s name out loud put him on edge, distracted him with nervous energy. He wondered if he had texted back yet, or if he would text back at all.

Noah was climbing out of the car, complaining, “You don’t understand, Cheng _is_ a model, and he’s perfect. I’m _dating_ him, and I’m physically upset by how beautiful he is.”

Ronan swung his bag onto his shoulder and slammed the trunk shut. “I get it, he’s dreamy, you’re horny. Save your problems for alone time, would you?” He stepped around to Noah’s side and leveled him with a pointed look. “Listen. If you so much as put a scratch on my car, Cheng will be single again, got it?”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it. Come here.” Noah stepped forward, immune to Ronan’s empty threats, and wrapped him in a hug. “Tell Gans I said congrats, and also, ‘fuck you for not consulting my schedule.’”

“Gladly.” Ronan stepped back, adjusting his bag. “Look out for Opal for me.” It didn’t need to be said, but he said it anyway.

“I’ll send photographic evidence of her safety every twenty minutes.” Noah saluted. “Bye, honey.”  

Ronan flipped him off and turned toward the sliding glass doors, listening to the low growl of his car as it pulled away from the curb.

 

__________

 

It was dark outside by the time Ronan got off the last plane, made his way through customs, and found Gansey leaning up against a car, talking with a short Brazilian man. When Gansey spotted him, his face lit up and he crossed the sidewalk to wrap him in a tight hug.

“God, it’s good to see you. I’m so glad you could make it.”

Ronan stepped back and clapped Gansey on the shoulder. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

Even under the dim lights of the airport parking area, Gansey was glowing. His skin was bronzed by the sun, blending into his windswept hair, highlighting the handsome features of his face. His smile was bright, filled with electric energy. He reached for Ronan’s bag. “Here, let me get that.”

Ronan leaned out of reach. “Fuck off, Dick, I can carry my own shit.”

Gansey laughed, unaffected, and turned to lead the way to the car. “Just thought you might be tired.”

Ronan grunted. He _was_ tired. He had opted for a daytime flight like a fucking idiot, and had been painfully conscious through the first flight, the hour and a half layover, and the five hours in the air since. He’d started four different movies on the second flight, but none of them could distract him from his endless stupid thoughts about Adam. He wondered why he hadn’t texted back earlier, if texting him had been a mistake, if it was too late to salvage their friendship. If Adam ever missed him. So far, travelling further away from home had only given him more time to think about Adam. He hoped seeing Gansey again combined with the busyness of the wedding tomorrow would be enough to finally take his mind off of things.

In the car, he spread out on the backseat as Gansey introduced the man he’d been speaking to before. His name was Samuel, he was Gansey’s good friend, and he had graciously offered to drive them to the hotel. He was also the one who would be performing Gansey and Jane’s ceremony the next day.

Ronan stayed conscious long enough to thank Samuel for the ride, but once Gansey resumed their earlier conversation in the front seat, he realized how truly tired he was. It wasn’t long before he was drifting off to a drowsy state of half-sleep as the car sped along in the dark.

 

__________

 

Ronan woke to sunlight streaming through the hotel window and Gansey standing by the bed, holding a garment steamer up to a dress shirt on a hanger.

Ronan’s dress shirt on a hanger.

Ronan sat up, letting the thin sheet fall around him. “What are you doing?”

Gansey didn’t pause his steaming to acknowledge him. “Would it have killed you to fold it a little more neatly? It looks like you brought it here in your back pocket.”

“It’s linen, it wrinkles if you look at it the wrong way.”

“Which is exactly why you have to be more careful with it!”

“I can always go shirtless, if you’re really that concerned about me ruining your special day with wrinkles.”

Gansey finally turned to look at him. Ronan raised his eyebrows in a challenge.

The tension leaked out of Gansey with a sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just can’t sit still and I’m not supposed to see Jane yet and you were asleep and-”

“Jesus Christ,” Ronan interrupted, “I get it. You’re freaking out.”

“I’m not freaking out!”

“Gansey.” Ronan climbed out of bed and put his hands firmly on Gansey’s shoulders. “You love Jane. Jane loves you. Jane puts up with your shit. You’re getting married in-” he looked around the room for a clock, “-two hours. Shit, okay, it might be time to freak out. Are you going to get dressed soon or what? Have you eaten?”

Gansey looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

Ronan took the shirt and the steamer out of his hands and set them aside. “Right. Let’s just worry about getting breakfast for now. Can you do that?”

“Samuel brought food, but I’m not hungry.”

“Gansey. Jesus Christ. Eat, and then we can get dressed. I’m taking a shower. You’re going to be fucking fine. Okay?”

 

__________

 

Adam had been walking up and down the long hallway outside Blue’s door for nearly twenty minutes now. He was beginning to wonder if, “We’ll come get you after she’s dressed,” had been a promise or merely an offhand comment meant to get him out of the room faster. He wasn’t sure what kind of dress Blue had designed that she needed four other women to help her get into it, but he wasn’t in a hurry to interrupt.

It _was_ getting close to ceremony time, though. He approached the door and knocked. If they had forgotten about him, it wasn’t beyond reason that they had also forgotten to keep an eye on the time. When there was no response at the door, he slowly pushed it open and poked his head into the room. “Um, guys? Were you aware of what time it is?”

A series of startled noises around the room told him that, no, they had not been aware of the time. The room whirled into activity, with everyone issuing final instructions and well wishes as they bustled around, gathering their things.

Adam stepped into the room and leaned against the wall to watch it all from a safe distance. Seeing Maura, Calla, Persephone, and Orla again reminded him of all the times he’d stayed with them over the holidays. He watched them weave around each other effortlessly as they got ready to leave the room. The familiar sight made him smile.

And then he saw Blue. It wasn’t a ceremonious dress reveal, she was just standing there handing Maura a small clutch, but he couldn’t help but stare. She looked… different. He had expected a unique dress, as in, _I made this myself with some cool scraps I found,_ because that was Blue’s usual philosophy when it came to clothing. He hadn’t expected her to look like she’d just stepped off a runway for ethereal, if slightly bizarre, wedding fashion.

It was hard to look straight at her dress and feel like it made sense. It hugged her figure, but loose scraps fluttered all around her like live butterflies, and somehow, the long skirt appeared to swirl around her legs even while she stood  still. Her dark hair fell just over her shoulder in a loose braid, and more bits of airy white fabric clung to it like they could hope to contain the short pieces of hair that poked free at every twist.

She was altogether wild and beautiful; a strange, magical thing only loosely tethered to reality.

“Are you quite alright?” Persephone’s soft, inquisitive voice came from beside Adam, startling him out of his thoughts.

He turned toward her, confused. “I’m just fine. What makes you ask that?”

“Oh,” she laid a smooth hand on the sleeve of his suit jacket, “I’m just getting a feeling.” Persephone was always getting feelings about Adam whenever they spent any time together. She was keenly perceptive, almost eerily so, and often seemed to know him better than he knew himself. She looked like she was trying to find the right words for this particular feeling, so he waited.

“I get the sense,” she began hesitantly, “that you’re currently dealing with a lost love. This wouldn’t have anything to do with the time you and Blue dated, would it?”

Adam’s initial fear that Persephone somehow knew about Ronan disappeared when she mentioned Blue’s name. Adam laughed softly as he compared the two relationships in his mind. “No, ma’am, it wouldn’t. Blue and I only dated for a few months before we figured out we were basically best friends and nothing more. You know that.”

Persephone nodded because she did, indeed, know that. She hummed to herself before saying, “Well, in that case, I can tell you that I also get the sense that, soon enough, your lost love will return to you.”

Adam knew she saw the flash of hurt on his face before he could mask it with a tight smile. She squeezed his arm gently. “You’re a good one, Adam. You deserve to be just as happy as anyone.”

Adam swallowed thickly. Together, they turned to watch Blue try to hold back tears as Maura wrapped her in a hug and Calla patted her hair, and then it was time to say goodbye until the ceremony.

 

After the women had gone, Blue came over to hug Adam’s arm and leaned into him with a tired, happy sigh. “Was that Persephone predicting your future again?”

Adam gave a wry smile. “Something like that.” He loosened Blue’s hold on him and held her back at arm’s length. “How on earth did you come up with this, Blue? It’s amazing.”

Her face broke into a radiant smile. “ _I know._ And thank you.” She twirled once, giving Adam the full effect of how the feather-light fabric danced around her.

“Gansey’s gonna fall over dead when he sees you,” he said with conviction.

“Oh, pshaw.”

“I’m serious.”

“God, I know, and you’re probably right, if he hasn’t died already from nerves.” She scanned the newly empty room and let out a shaky laugh. “Okay, best man, it’s getting real. Time to distract me.”  

“With what?”

“I don’t know, tell me about your life!”

“I don’t know if you remember this, Blue, but we exchanged like forty-five emails last week.”

Blue stopped fidgeting with the end of her braid. “Right. Abby’s getting big, Henry’s obsessed with his new boyfriend so he’s stopped dragging you all over the city, you’ve made a ton of progress on your book, and you liked all of the recipes I sent you.” She leaned back into his shoulder with a small sigh. “We should have planned ahead and saved something to talk about for when I inevitably started to freak out.”  

Adam bit his lip and wrapped his arm around Blue’s shoulder in a silent show of support. He thought about Ronan. Finally confessing to Blue that he’d been talking to “Instagram Hottie” all summer would certainly distract her from her pre-wedding nerves, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it.  Not with the way things had ended abruptly a few weeks ago. This wasn’t some cheap drama, this was every private part of him silently breaking.

Maybe someday he would sit down and write it all out for Blue.

 

 _Hey, remember that guy I met online at the beginning of the summer? I told you I hadn’t talked to him because I honestly didn’t expect our brief conversations to go anywhere, and I didn’t want to get your hopes up. And then our conversations started going somewhere, and it happened so suddenly and so intensely that I just didn’t want to share what we had with anyone else. He’s so good, Blue. So caring, intelligent, and passionate. You’d really like him. God, he was the easiest person in the world to talk to and he always made me feel like he just_ knew _me_. _I thought if I kept it all to myself I might be able to hold onto it a little longer, but he’s gone. I don’t know if something happened, or if he just got tired of me, but he’s gone. Blue, I think he broke my heart. It physically hurts when I think about him. Is that normal? The worst part is that I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop looking at his pictures. He’s the only person I want to talk to about any of it. The worst part is that I can’t stop thinking of him as my best friend, even though he apparently doesn’t even want to fucking be here anymore. Is this what love feels like? Will I ever feel like this about someone who feels the same way about me?_

 

He swallowed down the lump in his throat. He couldn’t talk about this now, and he needed to stop thinking about it if he was going to make it through the day without breaking down. He took a deep breath and hoped he sounded casual. “So, who do you think is more nervous, you or Gansey?”

This made Blue laugh out loud. She pulled away and shot Adam a look. “Are you serious? It’s _Gansey._ I feel bad for Ronan having to put up with him last night and this morning.”

Adam’s voice was hardly a croak. “Wait, what?”

“Yeah, are you really surprised? Gansey gets nervous if the menu at his favorite restaurant changes.” She gave Adam a look that said he should really know the ins and outs of Gansey’s anxiety by now.

“No, I know, I -- you said Gansey and _who?”_

“Gansey and Ronan,” Blue said simply. After a pause, her eyes grew wide. “Oh, shit! I forgot to tell you, apparently Gansey’s best friend is that hot guy you saw on Instagram a few months ago. Isn’t that crazy? I actually met him before we left the states and he’s even hotter in person.” She grinned and elbowed Adam in the ribs but he didn’t feel it. She continued, “I was actually going to set you up with him a couple months ago, but Gansey said he’s, like, completely against dating after his last relationship.” She made a face and mimed a bomb exploding with her hands. “Plus, you said you met someone, so I just kind of let it go. Small world, though, huh?”

Blue happily chattered on about meeting Ronan’s daughter and something about painting, but Adam’s thundering pulse was filling his ears and it was hard to breathe, much less focus on what Blue was saying.

_Ronan is here. Ronan is okay._

_Ronan is okay, he just doesn’t want me back._

With a hot flush of shame rushing up his neck, Adam realized the answers to weeks worth of questions all in one gasping breath.

He had suspected it - that Ronan didn’t want him the way he wanted Ronan - but it felt so much worse to _know._ He should have known from day one when Ronan opened up about his toxic ex; how their relationship had been a poison Ronan had willingly drunk from for years, fine with being on the receiving end of his ex’s bullshit until he’d turned it on the crippled stray dog Ronan had been earning the trust of for weeks. Ronan’s ex had shot the stray in front of Ronan. Ronan had left that night and, as he’d told Adam in their first real conversation, he would “never fucking be okay with that again.”

Adam thought he had meant he would never settle for an abusive partner again, he didn’t know he meant he would never _date_ again. He felt abruptly stupid for how he’d missed that memo and gone full speed ahead with the overt and constant flirting. But then, Ronan had returned it, hadn’t he? It wasn’t as if they were talking about the weather all those times they had exchanged those photos and messages that hinted at something more. Ronan had been involved every step of the way, right up to the very end.

Nothing made sense. Why couldn’t he have just _told_ Adam? They had at least been the kind of friends who could tell each other anything. Right?

Blue nudged him. “Adam? You have the ring, right?” He got the distinct impression she had asked this already. “We should probably go wait for Manu in the lobby, she should be back with our ride soon.”

He patted the ring in his pocket numbly and nodded. Following Blue through the doorway, they began the long walk down the hall toward the lobby. He wanted to ask Blue if he could go check on Gansey. He could find Ronan before everything started, he could fix things before they were thrown together without any kind of plan.

He knew it was too late.

He forced his legs to keep moving. When they finally reached the lobby, Blue went to watch out the front window and Adam held back, pacing back and forth. Pulling out his phone, he opened Instagram and scrolled through his inbox until he finally found his last conversation with Ronan.

 

 **_adamparrishawake:_ ** _Anyway, at this rate the entire summer is going to be filled with weddings._

 

He could see that Ronan had read his messages. A sharp laugh escaped his lips and the pain flickered up through his chest like he’d struck a match just by seeing Ronan’s name. Would it have killed him to reply? A simple _Cool story, oh, by the way, I’m just not that into you_ would have been fine. Anything would have been better than having to flounder for weeks, aching with the confusion and the wanting.

He stared at his phone. There was too much he wanted to say.

_I miss you. So much._

_I think I hate you right now._

_Please be less agonizingly beautiful in person. I already don’t know how I’m going to handle this._

_You could have at least told me you were okay instead of making me worry. Asshole._

_Why can’t you just want me back?_

He blinked back wet eyes and focused on breathing.

 

 _ **adamparrishawake:** Hey. We need to talk. And I mean, like, right now._  
_Blue and Gansey are getting married in ten minutes and you’re fucking here because of course you are._  
_We can’t ruin their day with… whatever happened here. I have some things I need to ask you, but right now I have to focus on helping Blue have the best day of her life. I would appreciate it if you could set aside whatever negative feelings you have regarding me and just do the same for Gansey._

 

Blue nudged his shoulder. “Adam? Our ride is here.” When he didn’t respond, she looked up at him with growing concern in her eyes. “Hey, is everything okay?”

He nodded quickly, haphazardly forcing his heartbreak back into its assigned file in his brain and pulling out the file labeled _Blue’s Wedding Day._ He took a steadying breath. “I can’t believe this is really happening. You’re getting _married._ ” His laugh sounded wet, but when Blue reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck in a tight hug, her voice was wet too.

“I love you so much, Adam. I’m glad you’re here.” She released him and smoothed her hands over her dress. “Now let’s go do this.”

 

__________

 

“Why the fuck did you have to get married here?” Ronan swatted a bug away from his face and stepped carefully on the uneven path. His dress shoes were pinching, and the air was heavy with the memory of a recent rainfall.

Up ahead, Gansey was quiet. Ronan was pretty sure his silence was due to his trademark parental annoyance more than nerves. He had calmed considerably on the trip over to the lodge, settling into an attitude of fierce determination, in stark contrast to his earlier panic at the hotel.

 

_“What do you have to be nervous about? You’re not second guessing this, are you?” Ronan crouched by Gansey on the hotel room floor._

_Gansey ran a finger under the tie looped around his neck. “No, God, no. But what if I fuck this up?” He shot Ronan a look that resembled a cornered animal. “What if I’m not actually ready?” What if-” he took a gasping breath and buried his head in his arms._

_“Gansey, I’m going to be straight with you here. You fuck this up at least, hmm-” Ronan rubbed his chin, casting an obnoxiously ponderous glance at the ceiling even though Gansey wasn’t looking, “-three times a week?” He nudged Gansey’s knee. “Come on, man. The important thing is that you never stop working at it. And I know you know that, you gave me this exact fucking speech when I was freaking out about making Opal official. You said, ‘Do you love her?’ and I said, ‘What kind of dumb fucking question is that?’ and you said, ‘Are you ever going to stop trying to be the person she needs?’ and I said, ‘Fuck you, Dick, seriously.’ You know damn well you and I could have that same conversation right now.” He prodded at Gansey’s arms where they were crossed under his head.  “It’s only going to happen one day at a time, man. You’re going to be fine. Actually, the thing about love is that, even with all the hard, scary shit, it’s still going to be the best goddamn thing in your life.”_

_Gansey lifted his head and used the back of his hands to wipe away the beginnings of tears. He laughed weakly. “Christ, Ronan, since when are you such a sap?”_

_“Since you started panicking about marrying the best thing that’s ever happened to you, dumbass. Now get up.”_

 

The sound of falling water greeted Ronan as he reached the treeline and stepped into a clearing.

Standing on the moss-covered banks of a glimmering pool of water was a small group of people who all looked expectantly toward Gansey as he approached. Ronan recognized Gansey’s sister right away, beaming with pride in a form-fitting dress and precarious high heels, but he had never seen any of the other women before. There was a woman who looked like an older version of Jane, wearing the kind of serious expression that said she was already trying not to cry. Next to her stood three other women; a quietly happy creature with hair that matched the waterfall behind them, a human incarnation of a mildly pleased snake, and a younger woman whose body language either tempted or challenged you to try and come a little closer.

Ronan was more than happy to linger at a distance while Gansey approached the women and greeted each one with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He smiled to himself as he heard Gansey’s nerves resurface in the form of lively small talk. Turning slowly, he took in their surroundings.  

They had left the dense trees of the rainforest and followed a stony path through the green clearing, coming to a stop near the larger, moss-covered rocks that lined the water’s edge. It was all rhythmic sounds of nature and the soft rush of moving water. Beyond them, a crystal clear pool sparkled in the late morning sun, dancing in response to the gentle waterfall that flowed around boulders higher up in the stream. All at once, Ronan understood why Gansey had said they didn’t bother decorating the ceremony space. There was no need.

After a few minutes, Samuel appeared in the clearing and signaled to Gansey that it was time to take his place. Gansey nodded and motioned for Ronan to follow.

At the edge of the shore, Gansey stopped at a wide flat space between two boulders and squared his shoulders, facing the path that led into the forest. Ronan felt the atmosphere shift to one of electric anticipation.

The aisle was undefined by church pews or flowers; it merely followed a crooked path between large tree roots jutting out from the ground, and transformed into a walkway of smooth, moss-covered stones as it neared the shore. It was almost too simple to be a Gansey wedding, Ronan thought, except for the fact that they were in the middle of the Amazon rainforest.

Samuel reappeared at the treeline and slowly began making his way down the gently curving path. A single violin began to play. Ronan looked around for the source and found that he had been too distracted by the beautiful scenery to notice a group of four musicians tucked into a flat space where the shore met the trees. He fought back a smirk. Of course. A rainforest wedding _was_ too simple for Gansey.

The other musicians shifted into position and the music swelled. The group of women turned toward the trees to watch for Jane’s appearance, but Ronan’s gaze was pulled elsewhere. He would never admit it to anyone, but he wanted to see the look on Gansey’s face when he set eyes on his bride for the first time.

Ronan could tell the moment Jane stepped into the clearing. Gansey’s expression transformed into something Ronan had never seen on him before. Gone was the panic from earlier that morning, and gone was the determination from only moments ago. The expression he wore now could only be described as pure, unadulterated happiness. His eyes shone with misty adoration and his mouth trembled, fighting back a sob or a smile that threatened to split his face in two. Watching him, Ronan felt an overwhelming rush of love and pride, and underneath it all, the constant current of _wanting_ in his heart swelled.

Gansey had found his person, and love was spilling off of him in waves.

Ronan would have this feeling, too, someday.

He wouldn’t think about that now.

The music turned soft, almost painfully tender, and Ronan turned to watch Jane’s slow march down the aisle.

Sunlight caught the brilliant white fabric of her fluttering dress, casting a glow around her that was nothing short of angelic. Her face shone with a love that mirrored Gansey’s so intensely that Ronan could look nowhere else. In that moment, he knew he was witnessing a once in a lifetime love.

The sounds of the forest surrounded them in the clearing, carrying the rich, romantic notes from the cello and violins. Beside him, Ronan heard Gansey sniffle repeatedly and try to catch his breath. Ronan felt his own eyes sting with the promise of tears.

The music fell away to a single violin again as Jane stepped around the last tree root and onto the path of smooth stones leading to the shore. The notes soared, delicate and sweet, as the sun dipped behind a cloud. Ronan’s eyes flickered over to the man walking her down the aisle.

Reality slipped away.

Walking toward Ronan, in a perfectly fitted grey suit, was Adam Parrish.

His vision was instantly filled with barely controlled waves of sandy brown hair, the stubborn set of an infuriatingly tempting mouth, and slender fingers clasped over Jane’s. Ronan couldn’t see them clearly from where he stood, but didn’t need to; he knew they were covered in the faintest freckles.

He knew every inch of the man walking down the aisle toward him.

_Adam._

He knew nothing.

His heart begged to be let out of his chest and his hands ached to reach out and touch, but this wasn’t his Adam. There was no such thing as _his Adam._ This was merely a perfect stranger who knew all of Ronan’s secrets. He even carried himself like he was untouchable, as if to remind Ronan, _you knew this was impossible from the start._

Shame threatened to burn Ronan up from the inside.

He wanted to disappear.

He wanted to stop missing a future where he would know what those lips felt like on his.

He knew this was the self-destructive part of him, but he couldn’t help it; he still wanted that future so much it hurt.

He watched helplessly as Adam took his place on the other side of the makeshift altar. Pieces of reality reattached themselves to the scene before him; Gansey reaching out to take Jane’s hands, his repeated whispers of, “I love you so much,” Samuel’s greetings to the small crowd in attendance. None of it was loud enough to drown out the storm of conflicting, impossible _wants_ in Ronan’s head.

He focused on controlling his breathing. He promised himself that he could do this - he could keep his head above water long enough to support Gansey and Jane for the day - he could hold himself together until he made it back to his room.

And then Adam looked at him.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Ronan Lynch was intense. His photos were dark, his words were sharp, and his presence, even through a smartphone, left an unmistakable mark on Adam’s life. Intense was the only word that came anywhere close to describing what it felt like to know Ronan.

Adam had spent the entire trip to the ceremony site trying to prepare himself for a concentrated dose of Ronan Lynch brand intensity. He had known to prepare himself for the shaved head, the piercings, and the edges of a black tattoo. He had known to prepare himself for blue eyes that always held a challenge, and for the sharp edge of a jawline that he always wanted to kiss. But now that he stood at the edge of the clearing, he realized with a sharp twist in his chest that he hadn’t thought to prepare himself for _this._

Ronan stood in the dappled light and watched Gansey with warm affection in his eyes and a soft smile on his lips. This was the same Ronan who had laughed and played in the pond with Opal; the same Ronan who had cradled a skittish Ella to his chest and whispered soothing words.

This was Ronan unguarded, and he was beautiful. 

Adam sucked in a shaky breath and tried to bury the memory of having that same unguarded warmth directed at him. He had known, weeks ago, that Ronan's smiles had been small, private things just for him. He just hadn’t prepared himself for how much it would hurt to see them again in a different context. 

Blue squeezed his arm. He took a breath and stepped into the clearing.

Ronan turned toward them, but his gaze passed easily over Adam and landed, instead, on Blue. Of course he was looking at Blue. She was radiant, bursting with happiness, about to marry the love of her life. That was the whole point of this, wasn’t it? Adam swallowed down the realization that his presence wasn’t even a blip on Ronan’s radar anymore and forced his eyes forward as he walked Blue down the uneven path. He counted his breaths. He counted the visible buttons on Gansey's dress shirt. He counted the seconds until he was close enough to see the hand stitching on Gansey's jacket, and then he counted the stitches. He did not look at Ronan.

He pressed his lips in a thin line and listened as Blue’s friend, Samuel, welcomed the small audience and gave a warm speech about the love he had witnessed between Blue and Gansey in the short time they’d all spent together. He listened as Gansey whispered, “I love you so much,” over and over and over. He listened as Blue began to recite her vows.

“I've always had goals, aspirations, things I wanted to do. But when I met you, I learned what it was to dream. You came into my life with so much-” she laughed wetly “-intensity. You were impossible to ignore. You challenged me at every turn, and never backed down when I challenged you.” She sniffled through another laugh. “For a while, I thought I hated you, but now I know that was just my brain’s way of saying _pay attention to this one.”_

Adam’s gaze flickered over before he could stop himself, and his eyes locked with Ronan’s.

He realized with a flood of confusing warmth that Ronan had been staring at him for the entire ceremony. He could feel it clearly now; the way he had been burning under the weight of Ronan’s gaze, the way he had been fighting desperately to resist the magnetic pull of Ronan’s attention.

The second his resolve crumbled, he witnessed a wave of complicated emotions cross Ronan’s face. It started out as soft surprise, revealing something so vulnerable in his gaze that Adam’s chest pulled tight with longing. Ronan's expression darkened almost immediately, but Adam’s racing heart recognized something familiar about the intensity of his stare.

He felt his own expression betray a reckless vulnerability, asking a question he already knew the answer to. He knew Ronan would see it if he looked closely enough. He knew he should turn his face away and shut down this channel of silent communication between them, but some desperate part of him was like a child begging for just five more minutes. If this was all he was going to get, he was going to memorize everything, starting with Ronan’s burning eyes.

Time must have gone on without them, because Samuel’s distant voice filtered in, drawing the ceremony to a close with a joyous exclamation. “You may now kiss your bride!”

Adam’s world reluctantly reshaped itself back into the clearing in the forest. He could still feel the weight of Ronan’s gaze, but he forced himself to turn away.

He watched as Gansey took Blue’s face in his hands, drew her close, and kissed her with a tenderness too intimate for an audience.

Every part of Adam ached.

__________

 

Gansey had specifically designed this day to torture Ronan. That was the only explanation for why he would leave Ronan in a clearing with five women he didn’t care to know and _Adam._

The photographer, wherever he had been hiding during the ceremony, had appeared afterward to steal Gansey from Ronan’s side and take him away with Jane, who everyone kept referring to as “Blue,” for newlywed photos further along the water’s edge.

Ronan knew it would be pathetic of him to tag along, but he nearly followed anyway.

Jane’s family stood in a circle on the other side of the clearing, talking with Gansey’s sister and Adam. Adam lingered on the outskirts of the circle, casting restless glances around the clearing as if he would rather be anywhere else. Ronan couldn’t blame him.

He leaned against a moss-covered boulder and let his eyes trace the line of Adam’s shoulders as he tried to sort out these new pieces of his reality.

He knew now that Jane and Blue were the same person, but he hadn't taken the time yet to sort out exactly _how._ He knew that Gansey’s Jane had the badass photo career that let her travel with him all summer, and he knew that Adam’s Blue had the terrible name, the kittens, and the apartment Adam was staying in for the summer. He knew that Jane's friend was staying in her apartment for the summer, so that made sense. The thing was... Jane's apartment was only a block away from the new cafe in town, a mere ten-minute walk from Opal’s library.

 _Oh, God._ He was such an idiot.

Adam had been within reach all along. This was no longer a matter of surviving today and then going home to forget any of this had ever happened; this was a dizzying glimpse into a future where he would bump into Adam at the local post office or grocery store and have to _keep pretending._

He couldn’t do this.

As if sensing his thoughts, Adam chose that moment to look over his shoulder and fix his eyes on Ronan from across the clearing. Even from a distance, his gaze cut through Ronan’s defenses with unsettling precision. Determination rolled off him in waves as he turned and strode across the clearing towards Ronan.

Ronan suddenly wished he had let Gansey steam more of the wrinkles out of his shirt.

As soon as Adam came to a stop in front of Ronan, the determination seemed to leak out of him. His shoulders sagged and he turned in an aimless circle, looking out at the clearing like he might find a more interesting conversation partner in a nearby tree. Finally, he leaned against the boulder next to Ronan, keeping several inches between them, and sighed.

Ronan’s mind was a sea of white noise. His eyes trailed helplessly along the dusting of freckles on Adam’s cheekbones and the stray bit of hair that curled just over his ear. He had the unspeakable urge to press his thumb to the swell of Adam’s lower lip, to push his fingers up into unruly waves of sandy hair, to pull him closer, to breathe him in.

Adam was the one to eventually break the silence. “Did you get my message?”

Ronan blinked. It took a second for his brain to re-engage, but once he processed Adam’s question, he startled, remembering the text he had sent only the day before. It felt like a lifetime ago, now. He had never received an answer.

_if its ok with you i’d like to talk soon_

What reply had he missed? Was Adam here to tell him to fuck off for good, or was he interested in what Ronan had to say? Questions filled Ronan’s mind, but his mouth refused to translate. It was apparently impossible to look at Adam and form coherent sentences at the same time, even if Adam wasn’t looking back. Eventually, he settled for shaking his head no, hoping Adam would catch the movement out of the corner of his eye.

Adam sighed. When he spoke this time, Ronan distantly noted that his voice sounded different somehow, tired and clipped. “I just wanted to make sure we didn’t ruin Blue and Gansey’s day with…” he trailed off, gesturing dismissively between them. He added quietly, “Blue doesn’t know about…”

Ronan didn’t recognize Adam’s cold voice, or his half-finished sentences, but his meaning still came through loud and clear. Blue didn’t know about Ronan, and Adam would rather not get into Ronan’s shit on Blue’s special day. Fair enough.

In the silence that hung between them, he shrugged weakly. Even if he could form words, he wouldn’t be able to trust his voice. His throat was tight and his eyes burned. He clenched his jaw and tried not to think it, not here, not in front of Adam. _You mean nothing to him._

A long moment passed in silence, then Adam sucked in a sharp breath, pushed off the rock, and muttered, “Alright then, I guess I’ll see you back at the lodge.” He turned and walked off toward the group of women without looking back.

__________

 

 _You can survive anything for one day_ was the promise Ronan repeated to himself as Gansey and Blue returned from their photos and divided the whole group into pairs to take canoes “the scenic way back.” Adam, of course, ended up in the front of Ronan's canoe, with his suit jacket stripped off and his sweat-dampened dress shirt clinging to his rippling back muscles for the entirety of the trip. Ronan didn’t look at the scenery once.

Lunch wasn’t any easier. They had all gathered in the covered outdoor dining area, with Adam sitting directly across from him; the first few buttons of his shirt undone, his sleeves rolled up to expose strong forearms that led to fidgeting hands, busy folding his straw wrapper into a tiny square as he laughed at Gansey’s post-wedding antics. Ronan ate in silence and tried not to think about the way Adam’s easy smile faltered every time he caught him staring.

After lunch, it only got worse. Gansey pushed his chair back and said, “Let’s get changed and head to the pool, yeah?”

Ronan let out a mildly panicked, “The fuck?”

“I sent you the itinerary three times, Ronan, don’t tell me you didn’t bring your swimsuit.”

Of course Ronan had seen Gansey’s all-important itinerary, and of course he had brought his swimsuit. He just hadn’t packed it with the knowledge that he would be forced to share a swimming pool with _Adam Parrish._

Gansey had planned the details out meticulously. A lodge employee delivered their bags to the pool house, waited for them to change, and then loaded their bags into a cart to deliver them to the different bungalows they would all be staying in that night. Adam shook his head at the extravagance, but Gansey insisted that he would thank him later when he wasn’t dragging his suitcase down the boardwalk for ten minutes in the rain that night. Adam hummed pleasantly in agreement, but when he caught Ronan looking at him, he rolled his eyes. Without thinking, Ronan smirked in reply.

It was a moment that would have made sense between friends.

__________

 

The pool was the perfect picture of luxury. It offered a beautiful view of the water they’d paddled their canoes through earlier, and the edge was lined with comfortable recliners, a stand for refreshments, and several large shade umbrellas.

Ronan was the last to finish at the pool house, and by the time he reached the pool, everyone else was already in the water. Everyone except for Adam, who sat on the edge of one of the pristine white recliners in nothing but a pair of rust colored swim trunks.

As if on auto-pilot, Ronan steered around the corner of the pool and found himself standing stupidly at the recliner next to Adam’s. He slid his towel off from around his shoulders and dropped it in a heap on the chair. A foolish hint of hope had been enough to get him here, but now what? He sat heavily and stared out at the water. He could feel Adam’s eyes on him, but he didn’t turn to meet his gaze. He wished he would have just jumped into the deep end.

Adam’s accent was still clipped, but there was a hint of teasing in his voice. “Do you only speak out loud in videos online?”

A small, surprised laugh escaped Ronan and his eyes flickered over to meet Adam’s. He hadn’t been prepared for this Adam to acknowledge their history of shared videos, much less with the familiar quirked brow and dry sarcasm of the Adam he had come to know. He felt warm at the memory of how easy it had been, before. He had no idea how to talk to this Adam, but when he looked away again he could almost pretend it was just _them._

“Maybe it got scared off, you know, kinda like your southern charm.” He drew the last words out, letting the vowels linger.

He watched out of the corner of his eye as Adam looked to the sky and ran his tongue under his bottom lip before letting out a sigh. It felt unreasonably good, finally getting to see what it looked like when he got under Adam’s skin. He couldn’t keep the smirk off his face, even as Adam’s eyes found his in a sidelong glance.

“I see you’re not just an asshole online.”

Ronan scoffed. “Told you that from day one.”

“Yeah, I guess you did.” And just like that, Adam was back to avoiding looking him. Ronan hated it, suddenly. He didn’t care who Adam decided to love or not love, he just wanted to be someone he could stand to _look at_ , for fuck’s sake. He couldn’t bear the way Adam looked away or lost his smile whenever their eyes met. He wanted more of the moments where it felt easy, where they could trade sharp remarks and small smiles. Somewhere over the course of the morning, the promise of _it’s just one day_ had started to feel less like a punishment to endure and more like an hourglass running out of sand.

He had Adam right in front of him. How could he not try?

The words spilled out, desperate and unrehearsed. “I was such an asshole this month. I should have just talked to you instead of disappearing, but I got scared, and I let that dictate my behavior. It wasn’t fair to you at all, and I get why you’re pissed, I’m just -- I just needed you to know that I’m sorry.”

Instead of looking at Ronan, Adam turned his face away completely. When he finally spoke, his voice was low and careful. “I would have understood, you know. I would have wanted to stay friends.” After a pause, he hesitantly added, “If you would have been okay with that.”

“Fuck,” Ronan let out a breath, “of course. Jesus, Adam, I still want to be your friend, if I haven’t made you hate me yet.”

He watched Adam’s throat bob up and down for a few moments before he turned, finally, and met Ronan’s eyes. He sighed, an invisible line of defense crumbling around him. The faintest hint of a familiar southern accent bled into his voice. “See, that’s the whole problem. I can’t seem to figure out how to hate you.”

Ronan caught his smile as it crossed his face and wrestled it into a smirk. “I mean, I can give you some pointers if you want. I’ve got years of experience.”

Adam rolled his eyes, barely masking his own small smile. With a shake of his head, he leaned forward and stretched a hand out toward Ronan. It was a moment before Ronan realized he was meant to shake it. It seemed like a strangely stiff gesture, like they were making a business deal, a formal agreement of just friends, but he supposed that was fair enough.

And then he felt the slide of warm skin against his palm, and time stood still. The warmth of the touch spread to his face like wildfire; instantly heating his gaze. He swallowed thickly. This was too much, too close. Adam looked at him with a complicated expression, but Ronan was too lost in his grey-blue eyes to care. The feel of Adam’s hand in his was intoxicating; it was making him dizzy, reckless. He felt like he might open his mouth and say something stupid, something dangerous.

 _Just friends,_ he reminded himself sharply, and let go.

He nodded toward the pool, trying for casual. “Getting in?” When Adam shook his head, he pushed himself off his recliner and shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

He dove in and began swimming laps.

__________

 

Breathing heavily, Ronan pushed himself out of the water and leaned his arms on the edge of the pool. Noah had introduced him to swimming years ago, back when he had left his ex, gotten sober, and given up racing all in the same year. He’d needed something else to use as an escape, for a while, and swimming had done the trick.

Now that he was sharing the water with Adam Parrish, though, it didn’t feel like much of an escape at all.

Adam had claimed an inflatable floating recliner and was drifting slowly toward the far end of the pool, arms crossed lazily behind his head, a broad expanse of tempting, sun-kissed skin on display.

Ronan scanned the rest of his surroundings. Persephone, Calla, and Maura had grown tired of swimming and were lounging poolside in their colorful swimsuits, their laughter carrying across the water. Gansey was chatting with Blue, Helen, and Orla by the tall table of refreshments.

Ignoring the warning sirens going off in his head, he pushed off the side of the pool and swam over to Adam’s float, propping his arms on the edge and tipping it slightly under his weight. Adam made a lazy sound in greeting, but his eyes remained closed, relaxed under the warm sun. He seemed completely unbothered by Ronan’s presence.

Ronan’s eyes wandered foolishly, getting caught on the soft freckles that dotted Adam’s tanned chest, trailing over the perfect muscles of his abdomen, and lingering a split-second too long at the place where warm skin met waistband. He swallowed and forced himself to turn away, resting his head on his crossed arms. A distant part of his brain noted that Adam’s swim trunks were as dry as they’d been on the recliner outside the pool.

“What’s the point of swimming if you never get in the water?”

Adam didn’t respond. He simply cupped a hand in the cool water and lifted it above Ronan’s head, letting the drops trickle in a lazy stream down his face. His eyes remained closed.

Ronan made a dismissive sound. He hoped Adam would keep his eyes shut because, for some stupid reason, that small action had been enough to flush his face bright red. He turned to bury his face deeper in his arms, in case Adam did open his eyes, and tried to sound unimpressed. “Tell me that’s not your idea of starting a water fight.”

Adam merely hummed.

Orla’s voice carried across the water from somewhere behind them, sweet and suggestive. "When you boys are done whispering in each others’ ears, I could use some help with this sunscreen."

Ronan flushed deeper, more at the idea of whispering in Adam's ear than at the idea of slathering sunscreen on some girl's half-naked body. He heard Orla mutter, softer but still clearly intended to carry to them, "Lost in their own little world."

Ronan placed his hands underneath the pool float and flipped it, launching an unsuspecting Adam into the water. Adam came up sputtering a moment later, his hair dripping wet and clinging to his forehead. He clutched at the edge of the float and glared, but it did nothing to stop Ronan’s laughter as he vaulted himself up onto the float and sprawled out with his hands behind his head. With calm authority, he announced to Orla, "Sorry, I'm very busy."

Orla’s was apparently unbothered by his rejection. “Adam?”

Adam’s hands still clutched the edge of the float. Ronan heard him mutter what sounded like a curse, and then he said, “I’m a bit stranded at the moment. I can’t, uh, I can’t swim.”

Ronan turned to stare at him. Adam stared back, defiant and irritated.

“You never told me that.” Ronan’s voice was quiet, more curious than accusatory.

“It never came up.” There was something defensive in Adam’s tone.

“We’re in a pool,” Ronan said. “It probably should have come up before I dunked you into the water.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, excuse me for momentarily forgetting that you’re a giant asshole.”

Ronan gave an exaggerated sigh. “You have so much to learn. The first lesson in Hating Ronan 101 is this: never forget he’s a giant asshole. You can’t let his amazing sense of humor and good looks distract you from how much he sucks, that’s a rookie mistake.”

Adam narrowed his eyes up at him. “Are you sure the first lesson isn’t: Ronan Lynch talks about himself in the third person and is, therefore, a giant loser who should not be trusted?”

“Don’t let Gansey hear you say that,” Ronan warned. “He uses third person all the time. Anyway, you at least know how to kick your legs, right? Just push us over to the edge and you can help Orla out.”

Adam leaned into the side of the float. Water dripped from his eyelashes as he looked up at Ronan and laughed quietly like he was sharing a secret. “No, thanks. I’d rather stay stranded if that’s alright with you.”

God, it was casual, Ronan _knew_ it was casual, but he couldn’t handle it - not with that happy, open look on Adam’s face, not with how close they were, or how easy it had felt just a moment ago. He was going to say or do something stupid and then it would all be over.

He shut his eyes and rolled off the other side of the float, letting the water take him under.

When he finally came up for air, Orla was treading water mere inches from his face. He let out a string of breathless curses while Adam and Blue laughed hysterically behind him. 

Orla seemed unbothered by Ronan’s swearing. She smiled. “Is that little troublemaker getting to you?” Ronan figured she was talking about Adam, but that was where his understanding ended. Something about her smile made him want to dive under the water and stay there.

From behind him, Blue exclaimed, “Oh, come _on_ , Orla, seriously?” Adam was still laughing.

Orla’s smile only widened, and her eyes never left Ronan’s face. “If you get tired and want to hang out with an actual adult, I’ll be over there.” She nodded behind her toward the shallow end of the pool, then leaned back into a lazy backstroke and drifted away.

Ronan turned and found that Adam had regained his spot on the float, still shaking his head and laughing. Blue was leaning into the float and rolling her eyes. Ronan didn’t understand Orla at all, but if she could get Adam to laugh like this more often, he wouldn’t complain.

__________

 

 _This could be easy,_ Adam told himself that evening when they had all gathered back at the covered dining area for dinner. The relatives had all settled down at the table closest to the chocolate fondue fountain, leaving Gansey, Blue, Ronan, and Adam at a table by themselves. A familiar feeling of rightness settled around their small group as they traded stories and jokes easily over the shared meal.

It was easy for Adam to see that Ronan was one of Gansey’s closest friends, but this was more than that. It was clear now that Ronan belonged here with all of them.

Adam could see glimpses of a future where friendship came easily. They would all go on group outings, or get talked into hanging out at Gansey’s massive warehouse apartment, and it would go like this: Gansey’s bright mind would churn out one conversation topic after another, Adam would happily engage him, Blue would egg them on with contrary opinions, and Ronan would insert his sarcastic commentary whenever the discussion got too heavy.

It could be so easy.

And then Gansey said something that made Ronan tilt his head back and laugh a brilliant, loud laugh that shook his shoulders and crinkled the corners of his eyes, and Adam was hit with another wave of _how in the world am I supposed to do this?_

It was easy, and it was impossible. His interactions with Ronan had only grown more carefree as the day had progressed. It had taken almost no effort for them to slip back into being something like friends. Easy. Except that he still wanted so much more.

Ronan was still laughing. “No, I didn’t fucking know she was flirting. Jesus, did anybody think to warn her that I’m incredibly, incredibly gay?”

Blue was laughing along with him. “I’m telling you, it wouldn’t matter. She knew that Adam had been talking to me about his dreamy boyfriend all summer, and she still won’t leave him alone. Did you hear her today? The only reason she gave him any space was because there’s fresh meat.” She gestured at Ronan.

Heat flooded Adam's face. He could feel the moment Ronan stopped laughing. He could only imagine what he must have been thinking in that moment. He had made it clear that all he wanted from Adam was friendship, and here was Adam, spreading it around to his friends that they had been dating. He wanted to disappear.

“He wasn’t my boyfriend.” The words felt wrong in his mouth, but he needed Ronan to know that he meant it when they'd agreed to be just friends. He couldn’t lose the progress they had made this afternoon.

Blue blinked in surprise. “Wait, you guys talked all the time. I thought you were going to go for it?”

Adam fought to keep his composure. “Yeah, we talked.” He swallowed thickly. “That’s all. I really liked him, but he…” he trailed off, unable to find a way to end that sentence without revealing to Ronan just how heartbroken he had left him. Finally, he sighed, “He lost interest, I guess. It’s fine.”

Ronan snorted softly from across the table. The dismissive sound stung more than the matching sympathetic noises coming from Blue and Gansey. He challenged Ronan with a cold stare, but Ronan averted his eyes and began fidgeting with the straw in his glass. This only irritated Adam more. What gave Ronan the right to laugh at him for being hopeful, once? It wasn’t like Ronan had discouraged it before, with his constant flirting, and his not-so-subtle way of asking Adam to send him videos just because he liked the sound of his voice.

He bit back the heat in his words, forcing his tone into cool indifference. “Is that a problem?”

Ronan, slouching down in his seat, had pulled his straw into his mouth and was working away at it, regarding Adam with a steady, curious gaze. After a moment, he mumbled around the straw, “It’s just a little hard to believe someone would suddenly up and lose interest. Figured you’d have people falling all over you, that’s all.”

The anger burning hot on Adam’s neck flared, certain he was being mocked, but then the sincerity in Ronan’s voice registered. There was something undeniably honest about him in that moment, something vulnerable in his gaze. Adam felt the heat on his neck shift recklessly into a different kind of warmth. He was caught in Ronan’s stare.

It wasn’t fair that Ronan could be so wholly uninterested, yet look at Adam like that. This was too close to how he imagined it when he laid awake at night, wishing, pretending that Ronan wanted him back. He’d seen that kind of look before in movies, before a confession, or before a kiss.

He laughed and looked away, abruptly tired of his runaway thoughts. “Falling over in their haste to get away from me, maybe.”

Blue opened her mouth to fill the growing silence. “Come on, Adam. You’ll find someone when the time is right. Just because you’ve had shitty luck in the past doesn’t mean it can’t happen.”

Gansey leaned in, inserting himself into the conversation. “Jane’s right. Hell, Ronan flat-out avoided dating for eight years, but he’s finally found someone and he’s happier than ever.”

Adam’s gaze snapped to Ronan. Found someone? Happier than ever? What the hell had happened to _totally against dating_?

Ronan shifted his attention to glare at Gansey. He growled through clenched teeth, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Gansey raised a hand to wave him off. “Sorry, Noah told me how you’d met someone and-”

“And it’s none of your fucking business,” Ronan finished for him. He set his drink on the table with too much force and shoved his chair back. His tone sounded forced into a controlled stiffness as he addressed no one in particular. “Excuse me, I need some air.”

Adam watched him walk away, his shoulders tight with tension. That same tension pulled at something in Adam’s chest, asking him to solve a problem that hadn’t been defined yet.

Blue let out a breath. “You weren’t kidding, he really is touchy about the whole dating thing.”

Gansey scrubbed a hand over his face. “I know, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have even brought it up. I was just so happy for him, I thought he’d be happy too. Noah said he’s never seen him happier.”

Blue let out a disbelieving laugh. “He didn’t look very happy to me. He looks like someone who just got dumped. Speaking of which-” she turned to Adam, her features softening into concern. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Adam shook his head. The half-empty table felt crowded, and his lungs felt tight. He carefully slid his chair back and set his napkin on the table, waving off Blue and Gansey’s curious, concerned looks. “You stay and enjoy dessert. I could use some air, too. I’ll see if I can talk to Ronan.”

Blue and Gansey nodded appreciatively, but as Adam walked away, he heard Gansey’s hushed confusion. “I don’t understand why they ‘need air,’ have they forgotten that we’re literally outside?”

__________

 

Adam found Ronan sitting alone on one of the small stumps of wood arranged around the bonfire outside the dining hall. He vaguely remembered seeing something about s’mores on Blue and Gansey’s wedding day agenda and knew it wouldn’t be long before the rest of the group joined them to finish the night together around the fire.

While he knew it was important for them to all have as much time together as possible, he also knew that this might be his last chance to talk to Ronan alone, and he couldn't waste it. If only he could translate any of his swirling thoughts into actual words. He lowered himself onto the log next to Ronan and stared into the flickering flames. Their easy afternoon at the pool seemed so far away now.

Ronan’s voice was quiet. “Shitty luck with dating, huh?”

“Is that really so hard to believe?”

“Yes,” Ronan answered simply.

Adam laughed bitterly. He’d clearly missed his chance to impress Ronan weeks ago, so it wasn’t as if he had anything to lose by being straightforward now. “Yeah, well, it’s probably less about shitty luck and more about how I’m just not cut out for dating.” When Ronan remained silent, Adam continued. “I mean, I’ve tried one night stands, I’ve tried relationships, and the whole thing has been nothing but a series of stumbling from one mutual agreement to the next. You tolerate each other’s company, you scratch each other’s itches, and you pretend it’s better than being lonely. Blue says to just _keep trying_ and I’ll find the real thing, but I don't know. I’m just... tired. Especially after thinking I’d found the real thing and then realizing that they were just settling for me.” That last part slipped out before Adam remembered who he was talking to. He swallowed thickly and hoped the crackling fire would swallow his words, or at the very least that the flames would disguise the heat on his cheeks.

Ronan stared at the flames. He sounded far away. “Good for you for trying, though.”

Adam shot him a look.

Ronan’s voice was strained, but genuine. “I’m serious. You know me, I had one shitty relationship and I let it scare me off from even beginning to care about anyone else for eight fucking years. You at least kept trying. That’s something to be proud of, even if all those losers were too stupid to know what they were missing.”

Confusion bubbled in Adam’s chest. A question flickered in and out of his mind, but the signal wasn’t coming in strong enough. He rubbed a thumb over his temple and asked, carefully, “I thought Gansey said you found someone?”

Ronan’s eyes locked onto his, searching. The light from the fire cast harsh, flickering shadows across his face. “I did. Unfortunately, he found someone too, and it wasn’t me.”

Adam thought he might know exactly how Ronan felt. He looked away, blinking away the sting of smoke. “I’m sorry.”

They sat like that, in strange, companionable silence until it was broken by the sound of happy chatter heading their way. Their eyes met and they shared a knowing look. Ronan reached out his fist and nudged Adam lightly on the knee. “I hope you find the real thing,” he said, voice thick with an emotion Adam couldn’t name. “You deserve it.”

Orla and Blue reached the glow of the bonfire first, arguing loudly about marshmallows. Ronan said, “I guess I’ll probably see you around,” and Adam, dazed, nodded dumbly. It wasn’t until Ronan stood and walked over to Gansey to wrap him in a hug that he realized Ronan had been saying goodbye.

Laughter and conversation swirled around him in a haze. Ronan had already disappeared into the night, presumably to find his room and get some sleep before an early flight, and Adam wouldn’t see him again for who knows how long.

Nothing made sense. He felt as though someone had dumped a box of puzzle pieces in his lap, ordered him to put the puzzle together, and then taken the box away before he could get even a glimpse of what the final image was supposed to be.

He sat in silence, pulling apart his confusion piece by piece until Blue threw herself down beside him and begged him to help her roast the next batch of marshmallows before Orla burned them all.

__________

 

Adam stayed at the bonfire until the last lights of flame flickered out and the rest of the group began to say their goodbyes. It had been a cozy evening of sharing stories and laughter, but long, drawn-out yawns had begun reminding everyone about their flights leaving the next morning.

Helen and Orla were the first to say goodnight, walking off together, which Adam briefly noted as odd, since he hadn’t thought they’d known each other before today. They were followed shortly by Maura, Persephone, and Calla, still laughing amongst themselves, all a little tipsy.

Blue took Adam’s hands in hers and pulled him to his feet, wrapping him in a tight hug. She buried her face in his chest and squeezed. He rested his cheek on her head and squeezed back, breathing in the vanilla and woodsmoke scent of her hair. He didn’t know how she knew he needed it, but this was one of their long, wordless hugs. She only pulled away when raindrops began landing on their shoulders, letting Gansey step in to wrap his arms around Adam.

“Thanks for everything today, Adam, I really mean it. It wouldn’t have been the same without you and Ronan here. We’ll all have to get together as soon as we’re back in the States.”

The idea of seeing Ronan as part of his normal, everyday life flooded Adam with a distracting rush of emotion, but he forced himself to nod along, clapping Gansey on the shoulder. “That would be great. I already can’t wait to hear about the rest of your summer. I’m so happy for you two.”

Blue nudged Gansey, shivering impatiently under the steadily increasing rain. “Can I have your light? I need to find Adam’s key, quick, before we all get soaked.”

Gansey held his phone’s flashlight over Blue’s bag while she rooted around. Finally, she held up the key with a little shout of triumph and passed it off to Adam. “Just head that way. It shouldn’t be more than a five or ten minute walk. The numbers are all on posts outside the bungalows, so you shouldn’t have any trouble finding it. You have a flashlight, right?”

Adam waved his phone in confirmation and laughed. “Got it, Blue. Now get out of here before you catch your death,” he teased, nudging her small, shivering frame.

Blue stuck her tongue out at him but wasted no time in grabbing Gansey and heading off in the opposite direction toward their own bungalow. Adam glanced down at his key. The tag read: _#24 - Best Man_

He smiled, shook his head, and started walking in the direction Blue had pointed out. Judging by the low numbers on the bungalows he was passing now, he wasn’t going to make it to number twenty-four before getting completely drenched. The rain had quickly gone from a light sprinkle to a full-on downpour. He had to admit that Gansey had been right about delivering their bags to their rooms ahead of time. He could at least try to hang his clothes out to dry in the shower overnight before packing them away in the morning, but lugging a wet suitcase through the airport would have been a different story.

As Adam walked, he let the steady rushing of the rain carry his thoughts back to Ronan. Earlier that morning, he’d been certain that the day would end in disaster, or at the very least send him to his room that night with all the makings of a nervous breakdown, but right now he actually felt... okay. He and Ronan would become real friends again, he was almost sure of it. It might take them a while to figure out a new normal, but if he could keep doing what he’d tried to do today - if he could keep his composure and act casual - it could really happen. It would probably always be painful, but at least he would get to keep Ronan in his life.

He knew he would have to stop holding onto every glance, every promise of a smile, and every accidental touch if he wanted a normal friendship to grow from this, but he couldn’t bring himself to let go just yet. Not when the reality of Ronan’s presence was still pulsing through him with dizzying need. 

He still wanted too much. Ronan had ignited something desperate in him, all those weeks ago, and it was going to take every ounce of Adam's willpower to smother the flames. 

Thankfully, he had until the end of summer before he would have to face him again. He could let himself linger in this daydream world of possibility for just a little bit longer. At least for tonight, he could fall asleep drowning in every last intoxicating memory of Ronan Lynch. That would have to be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta'd by the lovely @whitewolfwintersoldier <3 (and then i changed a bunch of stuff and probably added a hundred mistakes)
> 
> thank you so much for sticking with this! your feedback honestly keeps me going whenever i hit a difficult patch with writing, or just get overwhelmed with life. i can't tell you how grateful i am for every person who actually reads this little (ok, kinda big) story of mine. 
> 
> life is still a wild fuckin ride and i can't make any promises about the timing of the next update, i'm sorry. but i AM working on it, and i'm extremely excited! we're finally getting to the fun stuff my dudes. 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter! i would love love love to know your thoughts!! 
> 
> as always, find me on tumblr @neveronceintoit if you want.


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